giving thanks for sex
Well, Thanksgiving is almost upon us and there is a myth out there that I encounter. People say that Thanksgiving is the day of the year when people have the least sex.
I have never seen any real data on that but it wouldn’t particularly surprise me. And here’s why: When we have eaten a lot we do not feel particularly sexual!
On the one hand, I’m sure you think this makes sense, and on the other hand, this sometimes takes people aback. After all, “romantic meals” have entered popular culture as the most ubiquitous introduction to sexual encounters. “Go out for a lovely dinner date and then have sex.” But the truth is that food, especially heavy food, uses a lot of our energy just to digest it.
You might have heard that the reason people get tired after eating is because their bodies are shifting the blood flow from their brains to their digestive tracts—but scientific evidence doesn’t really seem to support that.
However, there are hormonal changes that happen when you eat. (And you know me and hormones!) Eating shifts your hormones including melatonin and serotonin and production of more serotonin can promote sleepiness, — especially if the food was high in the essential amino acid tryptophan, which is found in proteins, chicken, cheese, fish, and TURKEY.
Also, pay attention to cytokines, proteins that are important for the body’s immune and inflammatory responses. They can make you feel tired when they fluctuate and certain cytokines in your body rise after you eat, especially if you’ve consumed a high-calorie meal.
So that's why we often feel tired and sluggish after a large meal. And – pay attention – sex, is exercise! so the way that you would not feel like going out for a run after Thanksgiving dinner, you probably won't feel like having sex either.
Two important takeaways:
- If you want to have sex on Thanksgiving, consider a morning rendezvous if you can sleep in. Or arrange a quick encounter right before you run out the door.
- And, in general, when you are setting up dates and hoping to have sex as part of the date, consider swapping the schedule. Plan the sex first and the meal second. And then let me know how you do.
But no matter what you do, make sure you give thanks for the special people in your life, and for your own sexuality. Happy Thanksgiving!!
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
TIPS FOR ALLEVIATING FIRST DATE ANXIETY
First dates can be daunting. They can be crazy making. Here are my top tips for making it… not easy…but maybe just a little bit better.
Set realistic expectations for the date. It’s tempting to envision yourself walking down the aisle, but just keep reminding yourself that the goal of THIS date is just to have a nice hour or two and get to know the person more, and let them get to know you. Try not to put too large implications or expectations on it.
Dress in something that makes you feel attractive and, more importantly, comfortable.
I know it’s tempting to pull out all the stops and go all-out siren, but really, it’s way more important to wear something that makes you feel like you, happy, comfortable and real. You’ll relax and be able to enjoy yourself and actually pay attention to the conversation rather than the tight waist, loose strap, heels that kill, etc.
Fantasize about having a wonderful time – envision yourself walking to the location, meeting up, chatting, eating, laughing. Imagine yourself having a fun time and being present and engaged. It’s astonishing how much of a confidence boost that can give you. And, people talk about it giving them a sense of relief. On some level they have done it already and it’s gone well.
Take care of the part of you that’s scared and nervous, don’t just try to send it away. Take the time to ask that part what it’s scared of and take it seriously. You have a right to be nervous. If you can, just listen and maybe reassure the part of you that is so nervous, that the grown-up you will be there also and take care of it. Don’t try to tell that part that it has nothing to worry about or is being silly. It’s scared of real things! It’s scared of looking incompetent, pathetic. It’s scared of rejections or any other of a host of things. That part of you is not crazy. Just let it know that you get it. It’s okay. You will be there too to hold it’s hand.
Focus on being present, rather than the outcome If you can, at any given moment on the date, just stop, take a beat, look around and breathe. It’s okay. You are here right now and what is happening at this moment is truly all that matters. Focus on what the person with you is asking or saying. Pay attention to that, rather than the next thing you might want to say. Sit with a moment or two of silence. It’s okay. Whatever happens on this date, if you stay present, you will feel more relaxed and open to the possibilities. And you may even have some fun.
And finally, assume that the person you are out with is also feeling some nerves. First dates are awkward for everyone, no matter how comfortable they seem. So if you focus on how they may be feeling, it will make it much easier to get out of your own head. Have a bit of empathy for them, because, after all, you definitely have an inkling of what they might be experiencing. And nothing makes a date go better than having people who are focused on making the other comfortable.
Let me know if you have more tips you have used to tackle first date anxiety.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Dressing up for sex part ii
Dressing Up for Sex Part II
Now let’s shift gears and talk about a different kind of dressing up for sex. (Check out the last blog entry if you want to see more about classic “sexy dressing” for sex.)
Dressing up can be a powerful tool for creating mystery, excitement and new dynamics in a relationship. If you are skeptical, think about all the novels, stories and movies that have been created around masquerade parties. It’s pretty clear that when you put on a mask, when you look like someone other than yourself, it frees you up to behave differently, to try on a new persona. And that can be extremely powerful when you are trying to move the needle on your sex life. Remember, our erotic selves often do not like to be stagnant, repetitive or predictable.
So here are some thoughts and ideas:
- If you want to go all out, throw a costume party (or a murder mystery night), and invite friends over to share in the fun of dressing up and being someone else. See how that might affect you and your partner later that evening in the bedroom.
- Talk to your partner about what kinds of fantastical costumes might “do it for them.” Spend some time thinking about what types of roles might make you feel different, hot, sexier. Here’s an important place for me to remind you that these are mere fantasies and not realities so don’t judge yourself. If you want to wear all leather and strut around in thigh high boots and a whip. If it will allow you to free up your wild side in the bedroom, that does not make you a bad person. If you have a geisha fantasy and want to inhabit that in the bedroom, it does not make you a bigot. Fantasies are for fun, for play and for trying on new ways of being. They do not have to reflect how you behave in the real world and you take all the fun and exploration out of them when you put them to that test. Don’t.
- You don’t have to go crazy if time and or expense seem like an obstacle. Consider “parts” of costumes: a different color wig, glasses and different hairstyle (sexy librarian anyone?). Did any of you watch the TV show Glow (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling)? We can talk about that show another time. So much to say. But I want to point out the “part” they each embodied. The costumes were ridiculous (and ridiculously simple) but they played out a part in the rink, each one learning something about herself in the meantime. Dressing up may allow you to learn something about yourself as well.
So there you have it. I encourage you to go out and experiment in larger ways or smaller ways.
Dressing up can have a powerful impact on your sex life. Why not try it?
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Women’s sexual egos can be a bit fragile…
here goes...
I am a staunch feminist. I really am. So I’m having a little trouble with what I’m about to write, but I think it’s true so I’m gonna go for it anyhow.
who's more fragile?
I think women’s sexual egos are more fragile than men’s and I think women get much more easily put off and hurt when their partners rebuff their sexual advances then men do. Admittedly, I don’t have any statistics to back this up (which always bothers me.) But I do have hundreds of women in my practice and I am always struck by how hurt the women are when they approach their partners and try to initiate sex and for some reason are turned down. Now the reason they are turned down could be as benign as “I have a backache” or even “I’m exhausted honey.” Yet, somehow, many women still feel terrible, almost as even their very existence as a sexual being has been slighted.
self perceptions are powerful
Before I am attacked please let me clarify that not ALL women react this way and there are indeed some men who have the same reactions. However, from my non-scientific, but fairly wide, sample the women seem to be the more fragile. In part I think this may be to do with societal norms which say men are always up for sex, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. While this is bogus, many women have integrated it into their thinking.
I think it may also have to do with how hard women are on their self perceptions of their body. If their partner doesn’t want to have sex, they assume it is because they are not attractive or sexy enough. So if their partner doesn’t want sex… it MUST be them, right?
Which leads to a few thoughts:
- Maybe that’s why women are less likely to initiate. It hurts more when they are turned down and
- You, partners out there, may want to be extremely sensitive, loving and caring when you rebuff an advance from the woman in your life, especially if you want future ones.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Dressing Up For Sex - Part 1
Different definitions
Dressing up for sex means different things to different people. But whoever you are, and whatever your relationship is to clothes, lingerie or costumes, it’s worth some attention. In this two part blog post I’ll explore some of the various ways clothes can make the party. It’s not just about sexy lingerie, it’s also about dressing to make yourself feel sexy and it’s about using clothes to set a mood, an era, a scene.
Let’s start with the obvious
People most often think of sexy lingerie when they think of dressing up in the bedroom. And that’s cool. For lots of people that is a big turn on.
Here’s a few pieces of advice when moving in that direction:
If you are buying your honey sexy lingerie, make sure that you have a handle on what turns her/him on.
It feels terrible to buy something and have it rejected, either overtly or subtly. Not only does it feel like a waste of time and money, it also feels like a rejection of what we like, what turns us on and sometimes, even who we are. But if that happens to you, try to remember, your partner's disinterest may be less an expression of their dislike and more an expression of their own discomfort and not being sure how to respond. Here’s my advice, have a conversation about it, outside of the bedroom a few days later when you are both calm and relaxed.
If you are a woman exploring sexy lingerie for the first time try to focus less on what you think your partner finds sexy and more on what makes you feel sexy.
I get that that is counter-intuitive. You want to dress up in something that turns them on. And that is true. But it is also true that there is nothing quite as sexy as someone who feels, acts and wants sexy. And sometimes clothing can help you do that. Many women will talk about how they feel so differently when they put on something that makes them feel sexy. And that ultimately translates into a better sexual encounter than the 10 minutes they are wearing the (fill in the blank: bustier, garter belt, silk teddy, translucent nightgown.
Sexy is as sexy does.
Sometimes there are articles of clothing that might not be inherently considered sexy, but they make you feel sexy. And that is all that matters. If a long Phish T shirt with nothing underneath it feels a bit wild, young, carefree and yes, sexy to you (and your partner doesn’t hate the band), go for it! If unbuttoning an extra button of your blouse at dinner makes you feel sexy, than that is what you are after. There is no one right way to dress sexy. You do you.
Hang in there. In the next blog, I’ll talk about a different kind of dressing for sex… costumes, wigs, things that can transport you to another place or time and maybe free yourself up a bit.
Part 2 coming soon.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Sex ed
just went into a high school to give their 1.5 hours of sex ed. Truthfully, I think we covered the basics and I try to remember that there are only so many take-away messages that anyone can handle at any given moment.
But what I love about talking to teens is that once they get over their initial shyness and once there is some sense of trust established in the room, they ask the best questions.
Here's what they asked
She: So what happens if you don’t have simultaneous orgasms.
Me: (clearly out of touch with popular culture on this one.) hun?
She: You know, what happens if two people don’t have orgasms at the same time.
Me: (recovering from my surprise…quite impressively I may add.) Oh, most people don’t have simultaneous orgasms. That’s something the movies made up to be more efficient on the time.
It happens sometimes, but usually, it happens because the two partners know each other very well, have made love before, and are specifically timing it that way.
Most often one person has an orgasm ahead of the other person, and honey, if it’s one of us girls we might even go for a second!
A number of them looked surprised
I (once again) felt stupid…but the conversation continued from there in all kinds of fascinating directions. I love teenagers.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Here's what i know
I find myself reassuring women all day long in my sex therapy practice. Many, many, many women have orgasms while on their stomachs and not when they are on their backs. Really? Really and Truly? YES!
I don’t know what it is about the “stomach orgasm” that makes so many women feel like if they orgasm this way they are aberrant when in reality it’s so common. I don’t have statistics but it seems to me, from my informal analysis, that at least 20% of women I see are more comfortable having orgasms while on their stomachs. And some can’t orgasm in any other position.
So that leads me to ask the following questions:
-
- Why do some women have orgasms on their stomachs only?
- Why do women who orgasm that way feel there is something weird about it?
- Is it “bad” or “problematic” to orgasm on your stomach?
Should you try to change the way you orgasm if on the stomach is your preferred posture?
And here are my answers:
1. Why do some women have orgasms on their stomachs only?
It seems to me after years of seeing patients (although I have no hard data to back this up) that many women have a “learned method” for achieving orgasm and that quickly becomes imprinted on their brains. So, the first way you achieve orgasm can become the preferred way and your general “go-to.” That becomes a reinforcing cycle and will often become the preferred method of having orgasms afterward.
Many women start masturbating when they are very young and often do so on their stomachs rubbing a soft toy, pillow, or hand beneath them. That creates pleasurable feelings. Ultimately that is how they have their first orgasms and that is how they learn to give themselves orgasm. Makes sense, doesn't it?
I know we sometimes get uncomfortable thinking about children giving themselves sexual pleasure, but they do and that is often how our erotic brains get wired. But once a pattern of pleasure is set in your neurology and your brain it can be a bit difficult to try to learn a new way to have an orgasm.
2. Why do women who orgasm that way feel there is something weird about it?
Why do so many of them feel as though it is a deep dark secret that they can’t admit to? I would say “beats me,” as it’s not particularly weird, nor unusual. But if I’m being honest, I think that women are reacting to popular media which almost always shows sex as heterosexual, a man on top with vaginal intercourse. Well, sometimes the woman’s on top.
But either way, the woman is having an orgasm from intercourse, and she’d damn well not be lying on her stomach rubbing her hand or a stuffed animal. So yes, there is little room for showing variations and it created a narrative that all women orgasm on their backs.
I also have to add here that having orgasms on your stomach is just not a great way for videographers to portray women’s excitement and it’s nearly impossible to show a woman’s face in the throes of passion that way. So it feels understandable that it is just not the preferred means of showing women having orgasms in media.
But it breaks my heart when I see women so embarrassed about the way that they orgasm that they choose to have orgasms all with their partner rather than talk about it. And I see it all the time.
3. Is it “bad” or “problematic” to orgasm on your stomach?
No. Not at all. It may be slightly more inconvenient but that is only because it’s hard to have your partner stimulate you to orgasm that way, and it’s harder to use your hands while you’re having intercourse if that is something you want to do. But an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm and there is no reason to think that a “stomach orgasm” is any less valuable, pleasurable, reasonable, or intense than an orgasm on your back.
Should you try to change the way you orgasm if the stomach is your preferred posture? Hmm… this is the first question which is tricky to answer. If you feel like your orgasm is working for you (say, you can orgasm easily by positioning yourself above your partner’s knee or penis) and you and your partner are happy to make sure that you have an orgasm in a way that is fun and easiest for you and it’s fun for you both, then I say, why bother? You go girl. Your sex life is working just fine.
Time to fess up
If you haven’t told your partner, it’s time to fess up sweetie. There is no way that going through your entire life pretending to have orgasms a different way or giving up on orgasms entirely during partnered sex can possibly be a good thing. I promise you, it will soon become a drag and a deep dark secret you resent. If it hasn’t already.
You can always try to learn to orgasm on your back, of course. It may be just a matter of practicing. Usually, the best way to do that is to bring yourself close to orgasm, and then flip over and try to finish up on your back.
And maybe hold off on having orgasms on your stomach for a few weeks while you try to learn a new neurological pathway. For some women, the transition is pretty easy. For some, it takes working on it longer. But here’s a word of advice: don’t do it if it’s stressful in any way or makes you feel bad about yourself.
It’s true that learning to have an orgasm while on your back will open up more options in terms of sexual positions and playing with your partner. That’s great. But it is most definitely not worth feeling bad about yourself or your orgasmic ability and it is not worth turning your sex life into “work” as you try to reorient yourself.
Just remind yourself that some women can’t orgasm at all (the statistics seem to be around 5%) so you are lucky that you can and do!
Embrace the way you orgasm
My best advice to women who orgasm on their stomachs would be to embrace the way you orgasm. Make sure your partner knows what feels best to you.
And just have fun. You know, that’s the general advice I always give women. It works here too.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Okay. Listen up folks.
The only time penis size really matters is if the penis is too big and hurts the women. In all my hundreds of patients there have been almost no women who complain to me that her partner’s penis was too small.
I have, however, had a number of women whose partner’s penis was so big as to make intercourse really, really uncomfortable. This can be a fairly complicated problem to solve.
If the penis is too long, there are devices and positions that might make this much more manageable. If it’s too thick, life gets a bit more complicated and solutions have to get more creative.
Here's the truth
A “small” penis is truthfully not something most women are going to care about (or even notice, frankly). The vaginal canal is not a big space.
As a matter of fact, it’s not a space at all. It’s just “potential space” and it will open up to whatever size penis is introduced. And it will get the same amount of friction no matter what the size.
So women, embrace the penis size of your partner (if it’s too big or uncomfortable, consider getting some expert help).
Men, let it be. Your penis is PERFECT.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Many Myths
Here are three common myths that women are told about their vaginal pain: It’s normal, “it’s psychological,”“Just learn to live with it.”
Any of these alone, but certainly together, will result in a woman feeling, powerless, crazy, an hopeless. But here’s the deal: they are flat out incorrect!
You don't have to put up with pain
First of all, let me be really clear. You don’t have to “just have to deal with it” or put up with pain. Pain with sex is a condition that needs to be remedied and can be treated.
Sometimes, it’s a matter of tight muscles or compromised tissue, or both, and sometimes it’s actually the nerves involved. There are even rare circumstances where a woman is allergic to a man’s semen. But you have to know that there are treatment options.
Painful sex is not normal
Also, let’s be clear. Painful sex is not “normal”, however, it is common. Normal and common are not the same thing. Almost 75% of women have experienced some degree of pain with sex. 7%-22% have more persistent pain. Up to 45% of menopausal women report painful sex. This speaks to how common it is. Let’s not confuse this with being normal, which it is not.
Don't believe the myths
And when someone says “well, pain with sex must be emotional, or psychological” my response is: yes, it certainly becomes emotional because when there’s pain, there’s anxiety around pain. But that doesn’t mean the cause of the pain itself is psychological or emotional.
So don’t believe the myths.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Let's Dive in
I usually hear this from the women whose libidos are low and don’t want sex at all. And I understand. Sex every day is….a lot. However, I have learned that both they and their husbands have decided he needs sex every day. The truth is, that in my experience, sex everyday is a fantasy that most men have. It’s a lot. And I get it, it’s a great workout…but everyday?
Truth be told
When it comes to reality…wait…you know what? It’s a bit better for them in fantasy than in reality. Because truth be told, they get tired too. They get stressed too. They are busy too. In a few cases, when the women’s libido were back to normal, I suggested they try an experiment and have sex every day.
Time to experiment
I also suggested they not tell their husbands about the experiment but just initiate sex every day. In almost every case it took 2-3 weeks, at which point the husbands said “Sweetie, I love you, but not tonight.”
The truth is, that like almost everything else in life, when you can’t have it, it seems like you can never have enough. But when you know you can have as much as you want, things become more real and focused and you find that you don’t need to have all of it all the time in order to feel satisfied.
It’s a great experiment for those of you who are up to it.
The Results
It makes men realize that maybe 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 times a week is really okay for them…and let’s women see that maybe their husbands are not the sex maniacs they thought they were. And there you go.
There’s your win/win.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted