Our view of sex as having to revolve around penile/vaginal intercourse is perhaps the single most limiting and misleading element of our current sex education. There are many kinds of sex. There’s oral sex, manual sex, anal sex. There is sex using every potential part of your body. If you can’t have sex one way…there are so many other ways!!

Why does someone who can’t have vaginal intercourse feel as though she should be embarrassed to discuss this?

And why does she feel like her sex life is over??? I had a patient who had vaginismus (a condition in which you can’t get a penis into the vagina.) She was married for 3 years when I saw her. (And yes, we I her!) She had one of the best sex lives I’ve seen. She was having sex with her husband about 3 times a week, in various ways. She had an orgasm (or more) most every time they had sex. She was having fun. Now — do I think she’s probably having more fun now that they are having vaginal intercourse? Yes. Probably. (Although she’s quite clear that intercourse is not her favorite sexual activity.) More options is usually better. BUT do I think someone’s sex life should be over because they can’t have vaginal intercourse?! No way. And I think we’d do ourselves, our daughters and our partners a big service if we put vaginal intercourse into perspective.

Would her husband be having a grand old time if he was having sex 2 times a week with a happy, excited, willing partner who was the queen of blow jobs (kind of how she describes herself), who brought him to orgasm with her tongue, her lips, her breasts, her feet, her butt, her anus? Would her husband be having a grand old time if he was having sex 2 times a week with a happy, excited, willing partner who was having orgasms using his hand, a vibrator, his mouth. My guess is yes. Would he miss vaginal intercourse? Probably. Is that a price he would pay to be with a woman he loves? Would it be that be so very different from a guy who is heartbroken because his wife won’t go down on him and he loves oral sex? Perhaps not so very different.

So here’s advice if you (or your friend or your partner) has pain with intercourse:

1- Get help.

2- It’s probably not in your head

3- Try to build a fun, happy sex life anyhow.

You can do it.