We Are Scared of Strong Emotions and We face a complicated dilemma.


We’ve decided that in our quest for equality, consent, openness and kindness, we need to scrub everyone clean of aggression, anger, jealousy, ruthlessness and objectification.

Unfortunately, some people (or parts of many of us) find those emotions very “hot”. And now we have to face the double dilemma of being attracted to some of those emotions and hating ourselves for responding.


Well I have news for you.


It’s not so simple. Those emotions are often at the root of sexual desire. And the trick is not to eliminate them from our lives altogether. It’s to access them judiciously and consciously and not to let them get out of control or be used to hurt another person.


So how about this? We bring just a bit of jealousy and objectification back into the bedroom?


Think about it. Your partner’s lustful stare as you strip off your clothing. Your husband’s smoldering anger that you think someone else is hot. Your partner is literally picking you up and throwing you on the bed or tying you to the bedpost. Does that turn you on? Well don’t be embarrassed. It turns on lots of women. Use it!


We need to learn to appreciate the complexity of emotions and use them where appropriate. That doesn’t mean those emotions either take over our life or dominate our life. And we need to communicate this idea to our partners, who have been told too many times that they need to be kinder, gentler and less aggressive. Good, solid communication can help you recalibrate.


Because that same aggressive, jealous, ruthless guy in the bedroom, can be the same guy who sings the kids to sleep, holds your head when you are sick and brings you coffee in bed. You just need to learn to accept the part of yourself that gets turned on, without immediate judgment and without immediately shutting off that part of yourself. 



Written By

Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus

Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert  |  Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted