Okay... what is sex?


Can we please talk about our definitions of sex?

“I can’t have sex with him”, a recent client complained. His penis was significantly too large to go into her vagina comfortably. Okay, let’s address that. And, while we were working on that, we also needed to help her redefine what it means to have sex.


Let's Talk About Foreplay

Daily, I encounter  many women who define “sex” as specifically sexual intercourse. As if any other forms of intimacy or pleasure are nice adornments to sex, but don’t count as “real sex.” It makes me a bit crazy when people talk about oral sex, manual sex, rubbing up against each other's bodies, playing with food or toys as “foreplay.” Forplay to what? Let’s be honest. For some people their favorite way of having sex is intercourse, but for many people that is actually not the case. Yes, you read that correctly. For many people oral sex is more fun and exciting and leads to a better orgasm. For many people using hands or other parts of the body, or a vibrator turn them on more than intercourse. Why then are we relegating all of those fabulous activities to “not really sex?” 


Penetrative sex isn't the only way to have sex

While penetrative sex is one way to have sex, it need not be an all or nothing proposition. There are also many reasons why one or both partners may be unable or unwilling to experience penetrative sex at a certain time in their life: medical concerns, pregnancy, erection issues, vaginal pain, even distance! But that does not in any way doom a relationship to a passionless void. 


So, what is sex?

Well, if it’s good for you and good for your partner, and you both are happy and satisfied, then head into the bedroom, or the shower or the living room floor and just go for it.


I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.



Written By

Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus

Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert  |  Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted