Sex ed
just went into a high school to give their 1.5 hours of sex ed. Truthfully, I think we covered the basics and I try to remember that there are only so many take-away messages that anyone can handle at any given moment.
But what I love about talking to teens is that once they get over their initial shyness and once there is some sense of trust established in the room, they ask the best questions.
Here's what they asked
She: So what happens if you don’t have simultaneous orgasms.
Me: (clearly out of touch with popular culture on this one.) hun?
She: You know, what happens if two people don’t have orgasms at the same time.
Me: (recovering from my surprise…quite impressively I may add.) Oh, most people don’t have simultaneous orgasms. That’s something the movies made up to be more efficient on the time.
It happens sometimes, but usually, it happens because the two partners know each other very well, have made love before, and are specifically timing it that way.
Most often one person has an orgasm ahead of the other person, and honey, if it’s one of us girls we might even go for a second!
A number of them looked surprised
I (once again) felt stupid…but the conversation continued from there in all kinds of fascinating directions. I love teenagers.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Here's what i know
I find myself reassuring women all day long in my sex therapy practice. Many, many, many women have orgasms while on their stomachs and not when they are on their backs. Really? Really and Truly? YES!
I don’t know what it is about the “stomach orgasm” that makes so many women feel like if they orgasm this way they are aberrant when in reality it’s so common. I don’t have statistics but it seems to me, from my informal analysis, that at least 20% of women I see are more comfortable having orgasms while on their stomachs. And some can’t orgasm in any other position.
So that leads me to ask the following questions:
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- Why do some women have orgasms on their stomachs only?
- Why do women who orgasm that way feel there is something weird about it?
- Is it “bad” or “problematic” to orgasm on your stomach?
Should you try to change the way you orgasm if on the stomach is your preferred posture?
And here are my answers:
1. Why do some women have orgasms on their stomachs only?
It seems to me after years of seeing patients (although I have no hard data to back this up) that many women have a “learned method” for achieving orgasm and that quickly becomes imprinted on their brains. So, the first way you achieve orgasm can become the preferred way and your general “go-to.” That becomes a reinforcing cycle and will often become the preferred method of having orgasms afterward.
Many women start masturbating when they are very young and often do so on their stomachs rubbing a soft toy, pillow, or hand beneath them. That creates pleasurable feelings. Ultimately that is how they have their first orgasms and that is how they learn to give themselves orgasm. Makes sense, doesn't it?
I know we sometimes get uncomfortable thinking about children giving themselves sexual pleasure, but they do and that is often how our erotic brains get wired. But once a pattern of pleasure is set in your neurology and your brain it can be a bit difficult to try to learn a new way to have an orgasm.
2. Why do women who orgasm that way feel there is something weird about it?
Why do so many of them feel as though it is a deep dark secret that they can’t admit to? I would say “beats me,” as it’s not particularly weird, nor unusual. But if I’m being honest, I think that women are reacting to popular media which almost always shows sex as heterosexual, a man on top with vaginal intercourse. Well, sometimes the woman’s on top.
But either way, the woman is having an orgasm from intercourse, and she’d damn well not be lying on her stomach rubbing her hand or a stuffed animal. So yes, there is little room for showing variations and it created a narrative that all women orgasm on their backs.
I also have to add here that having orgasms on your stomach is just not a great way for videographers to portray women’s excitement and it’s nearly impossible to show a woman’s face in the throes of passion that way. So it feels understandable that it is just not the preferred means of showing women having orgasms in media.
But it breaks my heart when I see women so embarrassed about the way that they orgasm that they choose to have orgasms all with their partner rather than talk about it. And I see it all the time.
3. Is it “bad” or “problematic” to orgasm on your stomach?
No. Not at all. It may be slightly more inconvenient but that is only because it’s hard to have your partner stimulate you to orgasm that way, and it’s harder to use your hands while you’re having intercourse if that is something you want to do. But an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm and there is no reason to think that a “stomach orgasm” is any less valuable, pleasurable, reasonable, or intense than an orgasm on your back.
Should you try to change the way you orgasm if the stomach is your preferred posture? Hmm… this is the first question which is tricky to answer. If you feel like your orgasm is working for you (say, you can orgasm easily by positioning yourself above your partner’s knee or penis) and you and your partner are happy to make sure that you have an orgasm in a way that is fun and easiest for you and it’s fun for you both, then I say, why bother? You go girl. Your sex life is working just fine.
Time to fess up
If you haven’t told your partner, it’s time to fess up sweetie. There is no way that going through your entire life pretending to have orgasms a different way or giving up on orgasms entirely during partnered sex can possibly be a good thing. I promise you, it will soon become a drag and a deep dark secret you resent. If it hasn’t already.
You can always try to learn to orgasm on your back, of course. It may be just a matter of practicing. Usually, the best way to do that is to bring yourself close to orgasm, and then flip over and try to finish up on your back.
And maybe hold off on having orgasms on your stomach for a few weeks while you try to learn a new neurological pathway. For some women, the transition is pretty easy. For some, it takes working on it longer. But here’s a word of advice: don’t do it if it’s stressful in any way or makes you feel bad about yourself.
It’s true that learning to have an orgasm while on your back will open up more options in terms of sexual positions and playing with your partner. That’s great. But it is most definitely not worth feeling bad about yourself or your orgasmic ability and it is not worth turning your sex life into “work” as you try to reorient yourself.
Just remind yourself that some women can’t orgasm at all (the statistics seem to be around 5%) so you are lucky that you can and do!
Embrace the way you orgasm
My best advice to women who orgasm on their stomachs would be to embrace the way you orgasm. Make sure your partner knows what feels best to you.
And just have fun. You know, that’s the general advice I always give women. It works here too.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Okay. Listen up folks.
The only time penis size really matters is if the penis is too big and hurts the women. In all my hundreds of patients there have been almost no women who complain to me that her partner’s penis was too small.
I have, however, had a number of women whose partner’s penis was so big as to make intercourse really, really uncomfortable. This can be a fairly complicated problem to solve.
If the penis is too long, there are devices and positions that might make this much more manageable. If it’s too thick, life gets a bit more complicated and solutions have to get more creative.
Here's the truth
A “small” penis is truthfully not something most women are going to care about (or even notice, frankly). The vaginal canal is not a big space.
As a matter of fact, it’s not a space at all. It’s just “potential space” and it will open up to whatever size penis is introduced. And it will get the same amount of friction no matter what the size.
So women, embrace the penis size of your partner (if it’s too big or uncomfortable, consider getting some expert help).
Men, let it be. Your penis is PERFECT.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Many Myths
Here are three common myths that women are told about their vaginal pain: It’s normal, “it’s psychological,”“Just learn to live with it.”
Any of these alone, but certainly together, will result in a woman feeling, powerless, crazy, an hopeless. But here’s the deal: they are flat out incorrect!
You don't have to put up with pain
First of all, let me be really clear. You don’t have to “just have to deal with it” or put up with pain. Pain with sex is a condition that needs to be remedied and can be treated.
Sometimes, it’s a matter of tight muscles or compromised tissue, or both, and sometimes it’s actually the nerves involved. There are even rare circumstances where a woman is allergic to a man’s semen. But you have to know that there are treatment options.
Painful sex is not normal
Also, let’s be clear. Painful sex is not “normal”, however, it is common. Normal and common are not the same thing. Almost 75% of women have experienced some degree of pain with sex. 7%-22% have more persistent pain. Up to 45% of menopausal women report painful sex. This speaks to how common it is. Let’s not confuse this with being normal, which it is not.
Don't believe the myths
And when someone says “well, pain with sex must be emotional, or psychological” my response is: yes, it certainly becomes emotional because when there’s pain, there’s anxiety around pain. But that doesn’t mean the cause of the pain itself is psychological or emotional.
So don’t believe the myths.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Let's Dive in
I usually hear this from the women whose libidos are low and don’t want sex at all. And I understand. Sex every day is….a lot. However, I have learned that both they and their husbands have decided he needs sex every day. The truth is, that in my experience, sex everyday is a fantasy that most men have. It’s a lot. And I get it, it’s a great workout…but everyday?
Truth be told
When it comes to reality…wait…you know what? It’s a bit better for them in fantasy than in reality. Because truth be told, they get tired too. They get stressed too. They are busy too. In a few cases, when the women’s libido were back to normal, I suggested they try an experiment and have sex every day.
Time to experiment
I also suggested they not tell their husbands about the experiment but just initiate sex every day. In almost every case it took 2-3 weeks, at which point the husbands said “Sweetie, I love you, but not tonight.”
The truth is, that like almost everything else in life, when you can’t have it, it seems like you can never have enough. But when you know you can have as much as you want, things become more real and focused and you find that you don’t need to have all of it all the time in order to feel satisfied.
It’s a great experiment for those of you who are up to it.
The Results
It makes men realize that maybe 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 times a week is really okay for them…and let’s women see that maybe their husbands are not the sex maniacs they thought they were. And there you go.
There’s your win/win.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
No. Beautiful people do NOT have better or more sex.
I really wish I had the guts to end the post there. But I just can’t. I feel compelled to spout more wisdom. No study has suggested that being better looking in any way gets you more sex…or makes you want it more.
And from my anecdotal experience with patients I can tell you that many average looking people are having great sex. Many “beautiful” ones are not.
"Conventionally attractive" does not equate to more sex
The peculiar thing is that sometimes it makes it harder for the “conventionally attractive” person to exist in a world that thinks they must be a sexy human being. Especially women who look “conventionally sexy”. Oftentimes they feel like a fraud, or are even told they are a fraud when they are just not that into sex.
The hard facts
It’s also very possible that two “beautiful” people can have almost no sexual chemistry. That is a hard fact.
As a matter of fact, I had a client once who came in for a low libido. She was living with a perfect “adonis” who had the dream “6 pack abs.” And she just wasn’t interested in sex.
There were a number of things going on, but I vividly remember when, during one of our conversations, it hit her that he actually wasn’t her sexual type. “I think I’m attracted to chubby, teddy bear guys…” she trailed off. That feels crazy. I SHOULD be turned on by him, shouldn’t I? I mean, objectively, he’s gorgeous.”
It just doesn't work that way
Our erotic brains are stubborn, confusing and have a mind of their own. They don’t tend to follow “conventional wisdom”
So for all my “average” looking people who are questioning this, please remember having better and more sex seems to correlate much more with general sex drive and confidence, not conventional communal standards of beauty!
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
You know you used to be into sex
Yes, that was you, not someone else. You remember thinking at one time, “wow, this is great!” But it just doesn’t seem to be happening that way anymore.
Okay, you think, “so I had a baby (you fill in the blank: 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 4 years) ago. Shouldn’t my desire for sex have come back? What’s happening to me?” Indeed, what really is going on here?
Many women find that their libido (their desire to have sex) drops dramatically after the birth of a child
This may not happen after the first, or even the second child. Some find it drops after number 3 or more. Some have the problem after each of them. They are tired and stressed. They don’t have enough time to take a shower, let alone have a sexual rendezvous with their partner.
Is it all in my head?
Traditionally women have been told that it is all in their head and there may be some truth to these temporary lifestyle matters at hand. But many powerful psychological factors may be at work when you have a child.
More often than not, your body goes through significant physiological changes as well, and these can be contributing factors to the ‘do not enter’ sign on your door.
Factors at play
So here is a fairly broad list of factors that can be at play. You need to ask yourselves which ones apply to you, and what can you do to resolve some of this; and then get to work! A good sex life with your partner will make the difficult child rearing years so much easier for you as a couple.
You are probably tired and stressed
Taking care of children is more work both physical and emotional than we ever anticipate.
You may be “over-touched.”
Who wants to have their nipples fondled after they’ve just spent the morning breast feeding?
Your self definition may have changed unconsciously (or consciously.)
Hey, you are the mother of three now. Is it really okay for you to also be the babe who comes into your husband’s shower with a bar of soap, two glasses of wine and nothing on? Or to be the wild women who screams dirty things as you have an orgasm?
You may be angry at your spouse..
Perhaps you are upset that more responsibility for the house and the kids seems to always fall on you. And then he expects you to do what?? You may not be outwardly angry, but maybe angry enough that it is affecting your desire to make love with your partner.
Your hormones likely have shifted significantly during your pregnancy and post-partum.
We are just starting to understand how critical a role hormones play in a women’s sexual life and how much they affect our desire, our ability to become aroused and orgasm. This is not a condition that a glass of wine or a romantic dinner can fix. In this case, it’s not in your head, but in your body.
There have been so many changes
The labor, birth, and subsequent episiotomy may have created subtle (or not so subtle) physical changes that seem to make it harder to get aroused and have an orgasm. Hey, when it’s more work, it’s certainly harder to get started. Similarly there may be discomfort and pain as a result. This adds a big obstacle on the road to romance.
It may not be the childbirth at all
It may be your age, changing blood flow or irregular hormone levels. I know our kids keep us young, but unfortunately they don’t freeze us in time!
You’re out of practice.
Oddly enough, sex seems to feed on itself. The more you have the more you want. The less you have, the less you seem to think about it.
Maybe you need a different kind of sex
Your life has changed significantly. Maybe those two- hour love-making sessions are a thing of the past (for right now) and you are having trouble adjusting to a 15 minute “quickie.”
Most Likely It's a Combination of Issues
Most likely your low libido is a combination of a few of the issues listed above and perhaps some more we haven’t even thought of yet.
Feel free to email us, if you want to add to the list. However, most low libido issues can be resolved if enough of the factors are addressed.
We’ve seen some of the toughest cases turn around. So can you.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Seriously. I LOVE Books. No I really mean it. I LOVE BOOKS.
To be honest, I love almost every kind of book.
- I love kids’ books. (I couldn’t wait to have grandkids cuz I missed reading to my kids so much.)
- I love classics. (Anyone else a Pride and Prejudice and Middlemarch fan?)
- I love modern novels. (Okay, what’d you think of American Dirt and H is For Hawk)
- I love poetry. (With Walt Whitman is a particular favorite.)
- And… I love books about sex.
I love books about sex for the same reason I love other books.
They educated me. They make me think in new and interesting ways. They force me to consider ideas I hadn’t considered before. They paint a picture for me about realities I haven’t experienced. They can be funny and irreverent about things the world takes too seriously. And let’s face it, they can be damn sexy. And if there’s one thing I love, it's a sexy novel.
Let's Talk About Sexy Books
So here's what many women don't get. It is GOOD for you to read books, stories, blog entries, anything that turn you on. You want your erotic brain to be switching on and off regularly. That way you can get it to turn on when you want to be turned on.. And the best way I know to do that is to jump start the process of fantasizing by reading sexy stuff.
So don’t worry about it being “good literature” and don’t worry about it being “inappropriate”. Don’t worry if you bookmark the sexy parts and just re-read them on the regular. Find something or many somethings that turn you on and read them on a regular basis.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Can we please talk about our definitions of sex?
“I can’t have sex with him”, a recent client complained. His penis was significantly too large to go into her vagina comfortably. Okay, let’s address that. And, while we were working on that, we also needed to help her redefine what it means to have sex.
Let's Talk About Foreplay
Daily, I encounter many women who define “sex” as specifically sexual intercourse. As if any other forms of intimacy or pleasure are nice adornments to sex, but don’t count as “real sex.” It makes me a bit crazy when people talk about oral sex, manual sex, rubbing up against each other's bodies, playing with food or toys as “foreplay.” Forplay to what? Let’s be honest. For some people their favorite way of having sex is intercourse, but for many people that is actually not the case. Yes, you read that correctly. For many people oral sex is more fun and exciting and leads to a better orgasm. For many people using hands or other parts of the body, or a vibrator turn them on more than intercourse. Why then are we relegating all of those fabulous activities to “not really sex?”
Penetrative sex isn't the only way to have sex
While penetrative sex is one way to have sex, it need not be an all or nothing proposition. There are also many reasons why one or both partners may be unable or unwilling to experience penetrative sex at a certain time in their life: medical concerns, pregnancy, erection issues, vaginal pain, even distance! But that does not in any way doom a relationship to a passionless void.
So, what is sex?
Well, if it’s good for you and good for your partner, and you both are happy and satisfied, then head into the bedroom, or the shower or the living room floor and just go for it.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
It happened again today
I saw a patient who is in a long-term relationship with a man she loves very much. He is warm and caring and gentle and loving. Their sex life is good… (it wasn’t when she first came here, but now it is). She and her husband have sex 1–2 times a week. She gets turned on and has orgasms and for the most part enjoys it, except…. Except that there is a part of her that doesn’t want gentle and loving sex all the time. There is a part of her that wants to be grabbed and thrown on the bed. There is a part of her that wants her husband to tie her hands above her head and push her against the wall and take her from behind. There is a part of her, the part that got turned on when she was reading 50 Shades of Grey, that wants something different from the gentle, loving sex she is currently having. And she doesn’t know what to do.
This is not a unique problem
This is not a unique problem. Believe it or not, I see it fairly frequently. It doesn’t always go this way. Sometimes it goes the other way. A woman wants gentle loving sex and her husband is aggressive and more demanding than she likes and that’s a big issue also. And men get stuck in this dilemma as well. But more often than not, the problem I’m presented with is that a woman wants rougher sex than she is currently having. I suppose it makes sense on several fronts.
We choose partners for many reasons
Hopefully, a part of that is to find someone who can support us, love us, and take care of us. Partners who are loving, solicitous, and gentle often rank up high in the relationship department. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they rank up high in the rough-sex department. Also, I think we live in a society that assumes that women want a certain kind of sex. Your partner, one of the enlightened, egalitarian set, might assume that rough sex is just not kind enough, supportive enough, or romantic enough. He might think “Of course she wants gentle, loving sex”. Isn’t that what every woman wants? That is our cultural assumption.
In the end, we make our decision to marry (or get into a long-term relationship) for a myriad of reasons and great sex might not necessarily be at the top, or a certain kind of sex might not necessarily be at the top. And let’s be honest, our lovers might not naturally understand what we want and it may be quite different from what we want out of the bedroom. So what’s a person to do?
As far as I can tell, you have two options:
- Talk to your partner and see, if they are open to the change. They may just be waiting for you to say the word. Alternatively, they may be taken aback that you want things that feel non-too-,- PC and that may take some negotiating. Or, it is possible that they like, or are more comfortable with, calmer, less “rough” sex and it may be difficult to change style. In any event, it’s worth a try.
- Or, if your partner really can’t/won’t consider a change in sexual direction, you always have the option to have sex in your head when you’re with them, and that can be a different kind of sex.
Okay, let’s look at the first option
See if you can talk your partner into getting with the program. This seems like the more obvious of the two approaches and it is the optimal choice. It also might prove to be the more difficult option. Talking to your partner about this means coming clean as to what you want, even if you are a tad embarrassed to admit it. Women seem to have an awfully hard time admitting to themselves, let alone telling their partners they want them to be dominated or that they want to dominate. It’s so culturally frowned upon that it takes an unusual person to recognize a desire to be thrown on the bed and controlled. Admitting it out loud is twice as difficult. But if you want this to work you have to own that part of yourself, understand it is normal and natural.
Communication is key
And now you have to communicate to your partner concretely, not in generalities. Saying “I’d like you to be rougher or take charge more,” might not get you anywhere. I suspect you’ve probably even tried that already. What you probably need to do is describe, in graphic detail, exactly what you want them to do to you, when, and how. And I know, that’s a bummer because part of the charge of this kind of sex is letting go and letting someone else take charge and here you are feeling like you are back to controlling everything again. Conversely, if you would like to be more aggressive, own that and talk about it. Or, if you want to role play, dress up as an alien or tie your partner up, own it.
Keep an open mind
It’s also important to accept that you might not get exactly what you want, but you will get a closer version than you might be getting now. And who knows? If you’re really lucky, you may unleash something in your partner that allows them to run with it. Maybe they will find a part of themselves that, until now, they’ve kept wrapped up. You’ll never know until you try.
And unfortunately, “really trying” does not mean one vague, theoretical conversation. “Trying” in this case means passing along books, and DVDs, raising the issue while you are having sex, making specific suggestions, and keeping them coming. And all this means you need to make sure you are comfortable with this part of yourself and don’t start backtracking and back-pedaling. “You know I didn’t mean it when I said I would get a kick out of sex in the parking lot.”
And another small warning. When you are having this conversation make it clear that there has been nothing fundamentally wrong with your love life until now. That you do really and truly enjoy the other kind of sex, the kind that you have more regularly. It’s just… this is something new that you want to try and build in.
Now the second option
The second option, having a different kind of sex in your head, is much easier and more comfortable and I’ve seen it work for a myriad of couples. This is the option where you say, tonight I really need a different kind of sex, so while my body is definitely on the bed with my lover, my brain is in my car where I’m trying to get out of a ticket with a controlling and angry cop.
Before I get jumped on by a host of angry sex therapists who are horrified by my suggestion that you don’t always have to stay present in your body with your current partner each and every time you make love, let me clarify. Yes, it is likely your love life might suffer if, every time you are with your partner, your brain goes on vacation with someone else. You may find yourself having a difficult time staying with your body and its normal reactions and at some point, your lover is likely to catch on if you are “away” during every sexual encounter.
But that’s not what I’m saying. I’m suggesting that sometimes, using your brain to access a different kind of sex than what is happening in your bedroom can be a liberating and erotic experience. And even though your brain is hanging out with dominating aliens, a stranger you just met in the bar, or the brother of the guy in 50 Shades of Grey, your body is safely at home with a loving partner.
What I’m saying is that there is nothing at all wrong with you, or your relationship if you sometimes fantasize about a very different, erotic encounter somewhere, far, far away, while still enjoying the tactile sensation happening right now in your very own bedroom. It’s normal. It’s natural. It’s not having an affair with your imagination, and it is not disloyal. If anything, using your brain to spice up your love life and keep you coming back to the same person and the same bed every time — that’s the important part.
So there you have it. Own the kind of sex you really want to try and then make it happen in reality or make it happen in your head. Either way, you don’t have to give up on the kind of sex you want!
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted