Women’s sexual egos can be a bit fragile…
here goes...
I am a staunch feminist. I really am. So I’m having a little trouble with what I’m about to write, but I think it’s true so I’m gonna go for it anyhow.
who's more fragile?
I think women’s sexual egos are more fragile than men’s and I think women get much more easily put off and hurt when their partners rebuff their sexual advances then men do. Admittedly, I don’t have any statistics to back this up (which always bothers me.) But I do have hundreds of women in my practice and I am always struck by how hurt the women are when they approach their partners and try to initiate sex and for some reason are turned down. Now the reason they are turned down could be as benign as “I have a backache” or even “I’m exhausted honey.” Yet, somehow, many women still feel terrible, almost as even their very existence as a sexual being has been slighted.
self perceptions are powerful
Before I am attacked please let me clarify that not ALL women react this way and there are indeed some men who have the same reactions. However, from my non-scientific, but fairly wide, sample the women seem to be the more fragile. In part I think this may be to do with societal norms which say men are always up for sex, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. While this is bogus, many women have integrated it into their thinking.
I think it may also have to do with how hard women are on their self perceptions of their body. If their partner doesn’t want to have sex, they assume it is because they are not attractive or sexy enough. So if their partner doesn’t want sex… it MUST be them, right?
Which leads to a few thoughts:
- Maybe that’s why women are less likely to initiate. It hurts more when they are turned down and
- You, partners out there, may want to be extremely sensitive, loving and caring when you rebuff an advance from the woman in your life, especially if you want future ones.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Dressing Up For Sex - Part 1
Different definitions
Dressing up for sex means different things to different people. But whoever you are, and whatever your relationship is to clothes, lingerie or costumes, it’s worth some attention. In this two part blog post I’ll explore some of the various ways clothes can make the party. It’s not just about sexy lingerie, it’s also about dressing to make yourself feel sexy and it’s about using clothes to set a mood, an era, a scene.
Let’s start with the obvious
People most often think of sexy lingerie when they think of dressing up in the bedroom. And that’s cool. For lots of people that is a big turn on.
Here’s a few pieces of advice when moving in that direction:
If you are buying your honey sexy lingerie, make sure that you have a handle on what turns her/him on.
It feels terrible to buy something and have it rejected, either overtly or subtly. Not only does it feel like a waste of time and money, it also feels like a rejection of what we like, what turns us on and sometimes, even who we are. But if that happens to you, try to remember, your partner's disinterest may be less an expression of their dislike and more an expression of their own discomfort and not being sure how to respond. Here’s my advice, have a conversation about it, outside of the bedroom a few days later when you are both calm and relaxed.
If you are a woman exploring sexy lingerie for the first time try to focus less on what you think your partner finds sexy and more on what makes you feel sexy.
I get that that is counter-intuitive. You want to dress up in something that turns them on. And that is true. But it is also true that there is nothing quite as sexy as someone who feels, acts and wants sexy. And sometimes clothing can help you do that. Many women will talk about how they feel so differently when they put on something that makes them feel sexy. And that ultimately translates into a better sexual encounter than the 10 minutes they are wearing the (fill in the blank: bustier, garter belt, silk teddy, translucent nightgown.
Sexy is as sexy does.
Sometimes there are articles of clothing that might not be inherently considered sexy, but they make you feel sexy. And that is all that matters. If a long Phish T shirt with nothing underneath it feels a bit wild, young, carefree and yes, sexy to you (and your partner doesn’t hate the band), go for it! If unbuttoning an extra button of your blouse at dinner makes you feel sexy, than that is what you are after. There is no one right way to dress sexy. You do you.
Hang in there. In the next blog, I’ll talk about a different kind of dressing for sex… costumes, wigs, things that can transport you to another place or time and maybe free yourself up a bit.
Part 2 coming soon.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Sex ed
just went into a high school to give their 1.5 hours of sex ed. Truthfully, I think we covered the basics and I try to remember that there are only so many take-away messages that anyone can handle at any given moment.
But what I love about talking to teens is that once they get over their initial shyness and once there is some sense of trust established in the room, they ask the best questions.
Here's what they asked
She: So what happens if you don’t have simultaneous orgasms.
Me: (clearly out of touch with popular culture on this one.) hun?
She: You know, what happens if two people don’t have orgasms at the same time.
Me: (recovering from my surprise…quite impressively I may add.) Oh, most people don’t have simultaneous orgasms. That’s something the movies made up to be more efficient on the time.
It happens sometimes, but usually, it happens because the two partners know each other very well, have made love before, and are specifically timing it that way.
Most often one person has an orgasm ahead of the other person, and honey, if it’s one of us girls we might even go for a second!
A number of them looked surprised
I (once again) felt stupid…but the conversation continued from there in all kinds of fascinating directions. I love teenagers.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Here's what i know
I find myself reassuring women all day long in my sex therapy practice. Many, many, many women have orgasms while on their stomachs and not when they are on their backs. Really? Really and Truly? YES!
I don’t know what it is about the “stomach orgasm” that makes so many women feel like if they orgasm this way they are aberrant when in reality it’s so common. I don’t have statistics but it seems to me, from my informal analysis, that at least 20% of women I see are more comfortable having orgasms while on their stomachs. And some can’t orgasm in any other position.
So that leads me to ask the following questions:
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- Why do some women have orgasms on their stomachs only?
- Why do women who orgasm that way feel there is something weird about it?
- Is it “bad” or “problematic” to orgasm on your stomach?
Should you try to change the way you orgasm if on the stomach is your preferred posture?
And here are my answers:
1. Why do some women have orgasms on their stomachs only?
It seems to me after years of seeing patients (although I have no hard data to back this up) that many women have a “learned method” for achieving orgasm and that quickly becomes imprinted on their brains. So, the first way you achieve orgasm can become the preferred way and your general “go-to.” That becomes a reinforcing cycle and will often become the preferred method of having orgasms afterward.
Many women start masturbating when they are very young and often do so on their stomachs rubbing a soft toy, pillow, or hand beneath them. That creates pleasurable feelings. Ultimately that is how they have their first orgasms and that is how they learn to give themselves orgasm. Makes sense, doesn't it?
I know we sometimes get uncomfortable thinking about children giving themselves sexual pleasure, but they do and that is often how our erotic brains get wired. But once a pattern of pleasure is set in your neurology and your brain it can be a bit difficult to try to learn a new way to have an orgasm.
2. Why do women who orgasm that way feel there is something weird about it?
Why do so many of them feel as though it is a deep dark secret that they can’t admit to? I would say “beats me,” as it’s not particularly weird, nor unusual. But if I’m being honest, I think that women are reacting to popular media which almost always shows sex as heterosexual, a man on top with vaginal intercourse. Well, sometimes the woman’s on top.
But either way, the woman is having an orgasm from intercourse, and she’d damn well not be lying on her stomach rubbing her hand or a stuffed animal. So yes, there is little room for showing variations and it created a narrative that all women orgasm on their backs.
I also have to add here that having orgasms on your stomach is just not a great way for videographers to portray women’s excitement and it’s nearly impossible to show a woman’s face in the throes of passion that way. So it feels understandable that it is just not the preferred means of showing women having orgasms in media.
But it breaks my heart when I see women so embarrassed about the way that they orgasm that they choose to have orgasms all with their partner rather than talk about it. And I see it all the time.
3. Is it “bad” or “problematic” to orgasm on your stomach?
No. Not at all. It may be slightly more inconvenient but that is only because it’s hard to have your partner stimulate you to orgasm that way, and it’s harder to use your hands while you’re having intercourse if that is something you want to do. But an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm and there is no reason to think that a “stomach orgasm” is any less valuable, pleasurable, reasonable, or intense than an orgasm on your back.
Should you try to change the way you orgasm if the stomach is your preferred posture? Hmm… this is the first question which is tricky to answer. If you feel like your orgasm is working for you (say, you can orgasm easily by positioning yourself above your partner’s knee or penis) and you and your partner are happy to make sure that you have an orgasm in a way that is fun and easiest for you and it’s fun for you both, then I say, why bother? You go girl. Your sex life is working just fine.
Time to fess up
If you haven’t told your partner, it’s time to fess up sweetie. There is no way that going through your entire life pretending to have orgasms a different way or giving up on orgasms entirely during partnered sex can possibly be a good thing. I promise you, it will soon become a drag and a deep dark secret you resent. If it hasn’t already.
You can always try to learn to orgasm on your back, of course. It may be just a matter of practicing. Usually, the best way to do that is to bring yourself close to orgasm, and then flip over and try to finish up on your back.
And maybe hold off on having orgasms on your stomach for a few weeks while you try to learn a new neurological pathway. For some women, the transition is pretty easy. For some, it takes working on it longer. But here’s a word of advice: don’t do it if it’s stressful in any way or makes you feel bad about yourself.
It’s true that learning to have an orgasm while on your back will open up more options in terms of sexual positions and playing with your partner. That’s great. But it is most definitely not worth feeling bad about yourself or your orgasmic ability and it is not worth turning your sex life into “work” as you try to reorient yourself.
Just remind yourself that some women can’t orgasm at all (the statistics seem to be around 5%) so you are lucky that you can and do!
Embrace the way you orgasm
My best advice to women who orgasm on their stomachs would be to embrace the way you orgasm. Make sure your partner knows what feels best to you.
And just have fun. You know, that’s the general advice I always give women. It works here too.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Okay. Listen up folks.
The only time penis size really matters is if the penis is too big and hurts the women. In all my hundreds of patients there have been almost no women who complain to me that her partner’s penis was too small.
I have, however, had a number of women whose partner’s penis was so big as to make intercourse really, really uncomfortable. This can be a fairly complicated problem to solve.
If the penis is too long, there are devices and positions that might make this much more manageable. If it’s too thick, life gets a bit more complicated and solutions have to get more creative.
Here's the truth
A “small” penis is truthfully not something most women are going to care about (or even notice, frankly). The vaginal canal is not a big space.
As a matter of fact, it’s not a space at all. It’s just “potential space” and it will open up to whatever size penis is introduced. And it will get the same amount of friction no matter what the size.
So women, embrace the penis size of your partner (if it’s too big or uncomfortable, consider getting some expert help).
Men, let it be. Your penis is PERFECT.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Many Myths
Here are three common myths that women are told about their vaginal pain: It’s normal, “it’s psychological,”“Just learn to live with it.”
Any of these alone, but certainly together, will result in a woman feeling, powerless, crazy, an hopeless. But here’s the deal: they are flat out incorrect!
You don't have to put up with pain
First of all, let me be really clear. You don’t have to “just have to deal with it” or put up with pain. Pain with sex is a condition that needs to be remedied and can be treated.
Sometimes, it’s a matter of tight muscles or compromised tissue, or both, and sometimes it’s actually the nerves involved. There are even rare circumstances where a woman is allergic to a man’s semen. But you have to know that there are treatment options.
Painful sex is not normal
Also, let’s be clear. Painful sex is not “normal”, however, it is common. Normal and common are not the same thing. Almost 75% of women have experienced some degree of pain with sex. 7%-22% have more persistent pain. Up to 45% of menopausal women report painful sex. This speaks to how common it is. Let’s not confuse this with being normal, which it is not.
Don't believe the myths
And when someone says “well, pain with sex must be emotional, or psychological” my response is: yes, it certainly becomes emotional because when there’s pain, there’s anxiety around pain. But that doesn’t mean the cause of the pain itself is psychological or emotional.
So don’t believe the myths.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Let's Dive in
I usually hear this from the women whose libidos are low and don’t want sex at all. And I understand. Sex every day is….a lot. However, I have learned that both they and their husbands have decided he needs sex every day. The truth is, that in my experience, sex everyday is a fantasy that most men have. It’s a lot. And I get it, it’s a great workout…but everyday?
Truth be told
When it comes to reality…wait…you know what? It’s a bit better for them in fantasy than in reality. Because truth be told, they get tired too. They get stressed too. They are busy too. In a few cases, when the women’s libido were back to normal, I suggested they try an experiment and have sex every day.
Time to experiment
I also suggested they not tell their husbands about the experiment but just initiate sex every day. In almost every case it took 2-3 weeks, at which point the husbands said “Sweetie, I love you, but not tonight.”
The truth is, that like almost everything else in life, when you can’t have it, it seems like you can never have enough. But when you know you can have as much as you want, things become more real and focused and you find that you don’t need to have all of it all the time in order to feel satisfied.
It’s a great experiment for those of you who are up to it.
The Results
It makes men realize that maybe 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 times a week is really okay for them…and let’s women see that maybe their husbands are not the sex maniacs they thought they were. And there you go.
There’s your win/win.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
No. Beautiful people do NOT have better or more sex.
I really wish I had the guts to end the post there. But I just can’t. I feel compelled to spout more wisdom. No study has suggested that being better looking in any way gets you more sex…or makes you want it more.
And from my anecdotal experience with patients I can tell you that many average looking people are having great sex. Many “beautiful” ones are not.
"Conventionally attractive" does not equate to more sex
The peculiar thing is that sometimes it makes it harder for the “conventionally attractive” person to exist in a world that thinks they must be a sexy human being. Especially women who look “conventionally sexy”. Oftentimes they feel like a fraud, or are even told they are a fraud when they are just not that into sex.
The hard facts
It’s also very possible that two “beautiful” people can have almost no sexual chemistry. That is a hard fact.
As a matter of fact, I had a client once who came in for a low libido. She was living with a perfect “adonis” who had the dream “6 pack abs.” And she just wasn’t interested in sex.
There were a number of things going on, but I vividly remember when, during one of our conversations, it hit her that he actually wasn’t her sexual type. “I think I’m attracted to chubby, teddy bear guys…” she trailed off. That feels crazy. I SHOULD be turned on by him, shouldn’t I? I mean, objectively, he’s gorgeous.”
It just doesn't work that way
Our erotic brains are stubborn, confusing and have a mind of their own. They don’t tend to follow “conventional wisdom”
So for all my “average” looking people who are questioning this, please remember having better and more sex seems to correlate much more with general sex drive and confidence, not conventional communal standards of beauty!
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
You know you used to be into sex
Yes, that was you, not someone else. You remember thinking at one time, “wow, this is great!” But it just doesn’t seem to be happening that way anymore.
Okay, you think, “so I had a baby (you fill in the blank: 6 months, 1 year, 2 years, 4 years) ago. Shouldn’t my desire for sex have come back? What’s happening to me?” Indeed, what really is going on here?
Many women find that their libido (their desire to have sex) drops dramatically after the birth of a child
This may not happen after the first, or even the second child. Some find it drops after number 3 or more. Some have the problem after each of them. They are tired and stressed. They don’t have enough time to take a shower, let alone have a sexual rendezvous with their partner.
Is it all in my head?
Traditionally women have been told that it is all in their head and there may be some truth to these temporary lifestyle matters at hand. But many powerful psychological factors may be at work when you have a child.
More often than not, your body goes through significant physiological changes as well, and these can be contributing factors to the ‘do not enter’ sign on your door.
Factors at play
So here is a fairly broad list of factors that can be at play. You need to ask yourselves which ones apply to you, and what can you do to resolve some of this; and then get to work! A good sex life with your partner will make the difficult child rearing years so much easier for you as a couple.
You are probably tired and stressed
Taking care of children is more work both physical and emotional than we ever anticipate.
You may be “over-touched.”
Who wants to have their nipples fondled after they’ve just spent the morning breast feeding?
Your self definition may have changed unconsciously (or consciously.)
Hey, you are the mother of three now. Is it really okay for you to also be the babe who comes into your husband’s shower with a bar of soap, two glasses of wine and nothing on? Or to be the wild women who screams dirty things as you have an orgasm?
You may be angry at your spouse..
Perhaps you are upset that more responsibility for the house and the kids seems to always fall on you. And then he expects you to do what?? You may not be outwardly angry, but maybe angry enough that it is affecting your desire to make love with your partner.
Your hormones likely have shifted significantly during your pregnancy and post-partum.
We are just starting to understand how critical a role hormones play in a women’s sexual life and how much they affect our desire, our ability to become aroused and orgasm. This is not a condition that a glass of wine or a romantic dinner can fix. In this case, it’s not in your head, but in your body.
There have been so many changes
The labor, birth, and subsequent episiotomy may have created subtle (or not so subtle) physical changes that seem to make it harder to get aroused and have an orgasm. Hey, when it’s more work, it’s certainly harder to get started. Similarly there may be discomfort and pain as a result. This adds a big obstacle on the road to romance.
It may not be the childbirth at all
It may be your age, changing blood flow or irregular hormone levels. I know our kids keep us young, but unfortunately they don’t freeze us in time!
You’re out of practice.
Oddly enough, sex seems to feed on itself. The more you have the more you want. The less you have, the less you seem to think about it.
Maybe you need a different kind of sex
Your life has changed significantly. Maybe those two- hour love-making sessions are a thing of the past (for right now) and you are having trouble adjusting to a 15 minute “quickie.”
Most Likely It's a Combination of Issues
Most likely your low libido is a combination of a few of the issues listed above and perhaps some more we haven’t even thought of yet.
Feel free to email us, if you want to add to the list. However, most low libido issues can be resolved if enough of the factors are addressed.
We’ve seen some of the toughest cases turn around. So can you.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Seriously. I LOVE Books. No I really mean it. I LOVE BOOKS.
To be honest, I love almost every kind of book.
- I love kids’ books. (I couldn’t wait to have grandkids cuz I missed reading to my kids so much.)
- I love classics. (Anyone else a Pride and Prejudice and Middlemarch fan?)
- I love modern novels. (Okay, what’d you think of American Dirt and H is For Hawk)
- I love poetry. (With Walt Whitman is a particular favorite.)
- And… I love books about sex.
I love books about sex for the same reason I love other books.
They educated me. They make me think in new and interesting ways. They force me to consider ideas I hadn’t considered before. They paint a picture for me about realities I haven’t experienced. They can be funny and irreverent about things the world takes too seriously. And let’s face it, they can be damn sexy. And if there’s one thing I love, it's a sexy novel.
Let's Talk About Sexy Books
So here's what many women don't get. It is GOOD for you to read books, stories, blog entries, anything that turn you on. You want your erotic brain to be switching on and off regularly. That way you can get it to turn on when you want to be turned on.. And the best way I know to do that is to jump start the process of fantasizing by reading sexy stuff.
So don’t worry about it being “good literature” and don’t worry about it being “inappropriate”. Don’t worry if you bookmark the sexy parts and just re-read them on the regular. Find something or many somethings that turn you on and read them on a regular basis.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted