Talking to kids about sex
There are some moments parents dread when it comes to specific milestones in their child’s life. In many cases that milestone is having “the talk”. You know, the birds and the bees, the “facts of life”. Some people are really uncomfortable talking to their kids about sex. Others are not...
And wherever you stand…it’s ok! I can’t tell you how many people I know who think they are perfectly comfortable talking about sex (and in some cases they actually are) but don’t have any conversation because “my kids haven’t brought it up.”
Guess what? It’s more than likely that at some point you are going to have to bring it up. Bring it up before someone else does. But how do you even begin to have ‘that’ conversation?
Fear not! I have a great resource for all you parents! It’s an old book but truly one of my favorites called: Everything You NEVER Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask) by Richardson MD and Schuster MD. This book is GREAT and one of my few regrets in life is that I did not write it first! It’s smart, funny, warm, relatable and not preachy. This book provides a range of options for parents who fall in a range of comfort levels. Think of it as a one size fits all for parents who are preparing to have “the talk”.
And remember, it’s not really one talk that you will be having. If you are doing your job right, it will be the start of numerous conversations and interactions. And over time, those conversations will allow you to pass along information and your values to your kids.
Have fun.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
HOLINESS AND SEX ED
Years ago I read an article which had a significant impact on my thinking. Here’s a quote:
“His main premise is that young people will tune out educators if their real concerns are left in the shadows.” “Teaching Good Sex,” by Laurie Abraham.
The article described a course given by a beloved teacher in the Friends’ Central school in Philadelphia. What was unique about his curriculum (and for those of us in the field of sexuality it is a bit horrifying that it is unique, but really it is), is that his curriculum is not solely focused on safety — how not to get pregnant and what is a bad idea sex-wise — but also on how to incorporate sexual pleasure into one’s life. He also makes a point to answer the various complicated and messy questions the students have as honestly as possible.
So I’m a fan.
I would guess, though, that educators from institutions that consider themselves value-based may have had a knee-jerk, negative reaction to the article. Many probably feel that classes that focus on the joy and the pleasure, as well as the concerns and dangers, of sex might “send the wrong message.”
The fear is that if you focus on pleasure and give out too much specific information, you are tacitly suggesting that teenagers run out and have indiscriminate sex.
That thinking is dead wrong.
Study after study indicates that the more information kids are given the later they become sexually active. I know that feels counter-intuitive. But maybe it’s not. Kids know about sex from the world they live in. They don’t live in a vacuum. If their only way of getting information is to try something, that’s how they’ll do it. If they feel that they have enough information, they will feel less of a pull to experiment.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
(Realistic?) New Years Resolutions
Every year I see people piling up on the resolutions before New Years. And we all know the old story. Most of the resolutions have hit the dust heap by January 15th. So some people say to give up on the resolutions. I’m not one of those...
I think moments in time that feel like they give us a fresh start are truly important: a birthday, a Monday, the first of a month, a particular holiday, or, even New Years. It’s a great motivator and I think we should all anchor onto those. But here’s the thing: You need to make the resolutions stick. It’s not so hard, but it does involve some thought. Your resolutions should be something specific, something you actually have control over, something you can measure having done, something that feels like it will make a difference (even a little one) and something within a limited time period. Got that?
So what does that mean for your sex life? It probably won’t be helpful if you say: This year I am going to have better sex or this year I’m going to have more sex. How? When? What’s your plan??
Here are some more measurable, sustainable resolutions you may want to consider. But please, please, just pick one or two. And once you have accomplished those you can add another. Or, more likely, they will have led to another.
- I am going to sit down and have a real conversation with my partner about our sex life before the new year.
- My partner and I are going to schedule sex dates once a week through January and then check in again.
- I am going to read 2 books (specific books) about how to improve my sex life by February 1. (Dare I suggest mine?)
- I am going to set up an appointment with (gynecologist, therapist, urologist - fill in the blank) so I can start to tackle a specific issue.
- I will sign up for an on-line course that I believe will address my issue. If low libido is your issue, feel free to click here for my course. More is coming soon.
Good luck!!! You will feel so much better once you take one small step forward. I promise. Then, once you’ve checked off success on that resolution, pick a new date and another resolutions. You got this.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
sex and holiness
I was speaking to a group of rabbinical students, and after the talk I was challenged by a young rabbi-to-be. He said that while I talked about sex being safe, consensual and fun, I had left out all references to it being “meaningful” or “holy.”
He was partially correct. I struggle with what it means to have sex be a “holy” experience, although I believe it can be one of the most transcendent and meaningful experiences one can ever have. I struggle because having been raised in a fairly religious environment, I saw firsthand how much damage can be done by putting the full weight of holiness on the experience. I struggle because I think that there can be moments of holiness in sex, but that trying to make every sexual experience “meaningful” is both unrealistic and a set up for failure. I struggle because while I think sex in a specific context (within a committed relationship for example) is in and of itself a holy act, I am not at all sure exactly what that means for the action of sex itself.
In truth, when he was talking about holiness, he was arguing using language that I would define as “mutual.” Sex should not be a selfish act; it should not be all about one person’s pleasure but about considering the other person in the equation. And I agree whole-heartedly, but I’m just not sure that ultimately defines “holiness”.
In a practical way, I believe Judaism, the religion I’m most familiar with, defines any sexual activity between a husband and wife as holy because it is taking place within a sanctified relationship. It doesn’t require any special thought or intent or limit to the type of activity. It just is holy by definition. But I think for many people that may take the romance out of the concept of holiness.
I guess when I think about holiness I often think about transcendence, moving beyond yourself and perhaps the other person you are with to reach and connect, in some way, with a higher being, power, G-d.
I suppose that does happen sometimes during sex, but I would argue that it is a rare occurrence, and not especially one that would be useful to try for on a regular basis. That’s a large burden for a sexual relationship to carry, especially if you want to encourage regular, ongoing sex. So perhaps holy sex is something we can strive for or even something you just remain open to…and then if you’re lucky sometimes your sex life can become an entry way into something deeper and more profound.
In the end this is something I struggle with. What is “holy sex?” I’m not really sure and I’d love readers thoughts on this.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Can We Ditch the Term Foreplay? Really?
I really have a problem with the term foreplay. And quite honestly, if you slow down to ask yourself what that means, I’m sure you will feel the same way.
Let’s start by asking a basic question… when you think about it, is oral sex foreplay? Or is it sex? Is using hands or fingers on or in your partner foreplay? Or is it actually sex? Honestly, when forced to give a definition of foreplay, people usually struggle until they come up with the idea that everything besides intercourse is foreplay.
Wait, what????
Using the term foreplay for everything other than intercourse is doing yourself and your partner a HUGE disservice.
It puts intercourse into a “primary category” with everything else as second best. This is ridiculous if you think about it because:
- Many women don’t find intercourse their preferred way of having sex. There are any number of women (and some men) who would trade intercourse for oral sex. (Not that you should have to.)
- Really now. Does that mean lesbians are never “having sex”?
- Many couples have temporary times in their lives when they can’t have intercourse for a variety of reasons (pregnancy issues, menopausal issues, erection problems) and they still can have fabulous ongoing sex lives in many other ways, unless you degrade it by calling it all “foreplay.”
- Bottom line, It devalues a whole host of other ways of having sex – hands, mouth, toys and the other 50 body parts you could use. They are all GREAT WAYS to have sex.
So let’s do each other a favor and stop calling other (non-intercourse) types of sex “just foreplay.” Go ahead. Have sex any way you want!
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
giving thanks for sex
Well, Thanksgiving is almost upon us and there is a myth out there that I encounter. People say that Thanksgiving is the day of the year when people have the least sex.
I have never seen any real data on that but it wouldn’t particularly surprise me. And here’s why: When we have eaten a lot we do not feel particularly sexual!
On the one hand, I’m sure you think this makes sense, and on the other hand, this sometimes takes people aback. After all, “romantic meals” have entered popular culture as the most ubiquitous introduction to sexual encounters. “Go out for a lovely dinner date and then have sex.” But the truth is that food, especially heavy food, uses a lot of our energy just to digest it.
You might have heard that the reason people get tired after eating is because their bodies are shifting the blood flow from their brains to their digestive tracts—but scientific evidence doesn’t really seem to support that.
However, there are hormonal changes that happen when you eat. (And you know me and hormones!) Eating shifts your hormones including melatonin and serotonin and production of more serotonin can promote sleepiness, — especially if the food was high in the essential amino acid tryptophan, which is found in proteins, chicken, cheese, fish, and TURKEY.
Also, pay attention to cytokines, proteins that are important for the body’s immune and inflammatory responses. They can make you feel tired when they fluctuate and certain cytokines in your body rise after you eat, especially if you’ve consumed a high-calorie meal.
So that's why we often feel tired and sluggish after a large meal. And – pay attention – sex, is exercise! so the way that you would not feel like going out for a run after Thanksgiving dinner, you probably won't feel like having sex either.
Two important takeaways:
- If you want to have sex on Thanksgiving, consider a morning rendezvous if you can sleep in. Or arrange a quick encounter right before you run out the door.
- And, in general, when you are setting up dates and hoping to have sex as part of the date, consider swapping the schedule. Plan the sex first and the meal second. And then let me know how you do.
But no matter what you do, make sure you give thanks for the special people in your life, and for your own sexuality. Happy Thanksgiving!!
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
TIPS FOR ALLEVIATING FIRST DATE ANXIETY
First dates can be daunting. They can be crazy making. Here are my top tips for making it… not easy…but maybe just a little bit better.
Set realistic expectations for the date. It’s tempting to envision yourself walking down the aisle, but just keep reminding yourself that the goal of THIS date is just to have a nice hour or two and get to know the person more, and let them get to know you. Try not to put too large implications or expectations on it.
Dress in something that makes you feel attractive and, more importantly, comfortable.
I know it’s tempting to pull out all the stops and go all-out siren, but really, it’s way more important to wear something that makes you feel like you, happy, comfortable and real. You’ll relax and be able to enjoy yourself and actually pay attention to the conversation rather than the tight waist, loose strap, heels that kill, etc.
Fantasize about having a wonderful time – envision yourself walking to the location, meeting up, chatting, eating, laughing. Imagine yourself having a fun time and being present and engaged. It’s astonishing how much of a confidence boost that can give you. And, people talk about it giving them a sense of relief. On some level they have done it already and it’s gone well.
Take care of the part of you that’s scared and nervous, don’t just try to send it away. Take the time to ask that part what it’s scared of and take it seriously. You have a right to be nervous. If you can, just listen and maybe reassure the part of you that is so nervous, that the grown-up you will be there also and take care of it. Don’t try to tell that part that it has nothing to worry about or is being silly. It’s scared of real things! It’s scared of looking incompetent, pathetic. It’s scared of rejections or any other of a host of things. That part of you is not crazy. Just let it know that you get it. It’s okay. You will be there too to hold it’s hand.
Focus on being present, rather than the outcome If you can, at any given moment on the date, just stop, take a beat, look around and breathe. It’s okay. You are here right now and what is happening at this moment is truly all that matters. Focus on what the person with you is asking or saying. Pay attention to that, rather than the next thing you might want to say. Sit with a moment or two of silence. It’s okay. Whatever happens on this date, if you stay present, you will feel more relaxed and open to the possibilities. And you may even have some fun.
And finally, assume that the person you are out with is also feeling some nerves. First dates are awkward for everyone, no matter how comfortable they seem. So if you focus on how they may be feeling, it will make it much easier to get out of your own head. Have a bit of empathy for them, because, after all, you definitely have an inkling of what they might be experiencing. And nothing makes a date go better than having people who are focused on making the other comfortable.
Let me know if you have more tips you have used to tackle first date anxiety.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Dressing up for sex part ii
Dressing Up for Sex Part II
Now let’s shift gears and talk about a different kind of dressing up for sex. (Check out the last blog entry if you want to see more about classic “sexy dressing” for sex.)
Dressing up can be a powerful tool for creating mystery, excitement and new dynamics in a relationship. If you are skeptical, think about all the novels, stories and movies that have been created around masquerade parties. It’s pretty clear that when you put on a mask, when you look like someone other than yourself, it frees you up to behave differently, to try on a new persona. And that can be extremely powerful when you are trying to move the needle on your sex life. Remember, our erotic selves often do not like to be stagnant, repetitive or predictable.
So here are some thoughts and ideas:
- If you want to go all out, throw a costume party (or a murder mystery night), and invite friends over to share in the fun of dressing up and being someone else. See how that might affect you and your partner later that evening in the bedroom.
- Talk to your partner about what kinds of fantastical costumes might “do it for them.” Spend some time thinking about what types of roles might make you feel different, hot, sexier. Here’s an important place for me to remind you that these are mere fantasies and not realities so don’t judge yourself. If you want to wear all leather and strut around in thigh high boots and a whip. If it will allow you to free up your wild side in the bedroom, that does not make you a bad person. If you have a geisha fantasy and want to inhabit that in the bedroom, it does not make you a bigot. Fantasies are for fun, for play and for trying on new ways of being. They do not have to reflect how you behave in the real world and you take all the fun and exploration out of them when you put them to that test. Don’t.
- You don’t have to go crazy if time and or expense seem like an obstacle. Consider “parts” of costumes: a different color wig, glasses and different hairstyle (sexy librarian anyone?). Did any of you watch the TV show Glow (Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling)? We can talk about that show another time. So much to say. But I want to point out the “part” they each embodied. The costumes were ridiculous (and ridiculously simple) but they played out a part in the rink, each one learning something about herself in the meantime. Dressing up may allow you to learn something about yourself as well.
So there you have it. I encourage you to go out and experiment in larger ways or smaller ways.
Dressing up can have a powerful impact on your sex life. Why not try it?
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Women’s sexual egos can be a bit fragile…
here goes...
I am a staunch feminist. I really am. So I’m having a little trouble with what I’m about to write, but I think it’s true so I’m gonna go for it anyhow.
who's more fragile?
I think women’s sexual egos are more fragile than men’s and I think women get much more easily put off and hurt when their partners rebuff their sexual advances then men do. Admittedly, I don’t have any statistics to back this up (which always bothers me.) But I do have hundreds of women in my practice and I am always struck by how hurt the women are when they approach their partners and try to initiate sex and for some reason are turned down. Now the reason they are turned down could be as benign as “I have a backache” or even “I’m exhausted honey.” Yet, somehow, many women still feel terrible, almost as even their very existence as a sexual being has been slighted.
self perceptions are powerful
Before I am attacked please let me clarify that not ALL women react this way and there are indeed some men who have the same reactions. However, from my non-scientific, but fairly wide, sample the women seem to be the more fragile. In part I think this may be to do with societal norms which say men are always up for sex, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day. While this is bogus, many women have integrated it into their thinking.
I think it may also have to do with how hard women are on their self perceptions of their body. If their partner doesn’t want to have sex, they assume it is because they are not attractive or sexy enough. So if their partner doesn’t want sex… it MUST be them, right?
Which leads to a few thoughts:
- Maybe that’s why women are less likely to initiate. It hurts more when they are turned down and
- You, partners out there, may want to be extremely sensitive, loving and caring when you rebuff an advance from the woman in your life, especially if you want future ones.
I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Dressing Up For Sex - Part 1
Different definitions
Dressing up for sex means different things to different people. But whoever you are, and whatever your relationship is to clothes, lingerie or costumes, it’s worth some attention. In this two part blog post I’ll explore some of the various ways clothes can make the party. It’s not just about sexy lingerie, it’s also about dressing to make yourself feel sexy and it’s about using clothes to set a mood, an era, a scene.
Let’s start with the obvious
People most often think of sexy lingerie when they think of dressing up in the bedroom. And that’s cool. For lots of people that is a big turn on.
Here’s a few pieces of advice when moving in that direction:
If you are buying your honey sexy lingerie, make sure that you have a handle on what turns her/him on.
It feels terrible to buy something and have it rejected, either overtly or subtly. Not only does it feel like a waste of time and money, it also feels like a rejection of what we like, what turns us on and sometimes, even who we are. But if that happens to you, try to remember, your partner's disinterest may be less an expression of their dislike and more an expression of their own discomfort and not being sure how to respond. Here’s my advice, have a conversation about it, outside of the bedroom a few days later when you are both calm and relaxed.
If you are a woman exploring sexy lingerie for the first time try to focus less on what you think your partner finds sexy and more on what makes you feel sexy.
I get that that is counter-intuitive. You want to dress up in something that turns them on. And that is true. But it is also true that there is nothing quite as sexy as someone who feels, acts and wants sexy. And sometimes clothing can help you do that. Many women will talk about how they feel so differently when they put on something that makes them feel sexy. And that ultimately translates into a better sexual encounter than the 10 minutes they are wearing the (fill in the blank: bustier, garter belt, silk teddy, translucent nightgown.
Sexy is as sexy does.
Sometimes there are articles of clothing that might not be inherently considered sexy, but they make you feel sexy. And that is all that matters. If a long Phish T shirt with nothing underneath it feels a bit wild, young, carefree and yes, sexy to you (and your partner doesn’t hate the band), go for it! If unbuttoning an extra button of your blouse at dinner makes you feel sexy, than that is what you are after. There is no one right way to dress sexy. You do you.
Hang in there. In the next blog, I’ll talk about a different kind of dressing for sex… costumes, wigs, things that can transport you to another place or time and maybe free yourself up a bit.
Part 2 coming soon.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted