What if you Want a Different Kind of Sex: Part 2
If you want a different kind of sex from what you are having, as far as I can tell, you have two options:
- Talk to your partner and see if they are open to the change. They may just be waiting for you to say the word. Alternatively, they may be taken aback that you want things that feel non-too- PC and that may take some negotiating. Or, it is possible that they like, or are more comfortable with, calmer, less “rough” sex and it may be difficult to change style. In any event, it’s worth a try.
- Or, if your partner really can’t/won’t consider a change in sexual direction, you always have the option to have sex in your head when you’re with them, and that can be a different kind of sex.
Okay, let’s look at the first option.
See if you can talk your partner into getting with the program. This seems like the more obvious of the two approaches and it is the optimal choice. It also might prove to be the more difficult option. Talking to your partner about this means coming clean as to what you really want, even if you are a tad embarrassed to admit it. Women seem to have an awfully hard time admitting to themselves, let alone telling their partners they want them to be dominated or that they want to dominate. It’s so culturally frowned upon that it takes an unusual person to recognize a desire to be thrown on the bed and controlled. Admitting it out loud is twice as difficult. But if you want this to work you have to own that part of yourself, understand it is normal and natural.
And now you have to communicate to your partner concretely, not in generalities. Saying “I’d like you to be rougher or take charge more,” might not get you anywhere. I suspect you’ve probably even tried that already. What you probably need to do is describe, in graphic detail, exactly what you want them to do to you, when and how. And I know, that’s a bummer, because part of the charge of this kind of sex is letting go and letting someone else take charge and here you are feeling like you are back to controlling everything again. Conversely, if you would like to be more aggressive, own that and talk about it. Or, if you want to role play, dress up as an alien or tie your partner up, own it.
It’s also important to accept that you might not get exactly what you want, but you will get a closer version than you might be getting now. And who knows? If you’re really lucky, you may unleash something in your partner that allows them to run with it. Maybe they will find a part of themselves that, until now, they’ve kept wrapped up. You’ll never know until you try.
And unfortunately, “really trying” does not mean one vague, theoretical conversation. “Trying” in this case means passing along books, DVD’s, raising the issue while you are having sex, making specific suggestions and keeping them coming. And all this means you need to make sure you are comfortable with this part of yourself and don’t start backtracking and back-pedaling. “You know I didn’t really mean it when I said I would get a kick out of sex in the parking lot.”
And another small warning.
When you are having this conversation make it absolutely clear that there has been nothing fundamentally wrong with your love life until now. That you do really and truly enjoy the other kind of sex, the kind that you have more regularly. It’s just… this is something new that you really want to try and build in.
The second option, having a different kind of sex in your head, is much easier and definitely more comfortable and I’ve seen it work for a myriad of couples.
This is the option where you say, tonight I really need a different kind of sex, so while my body is definitely on the bed with my lover, my brain is in my car where I’m trying to get out of ticket with a controlling and angry cop.
Before I get jumped on by a host of angry sex therapists who are horrified by my suggestion that you don’t always have to stay present in your body with your current partner each and every time you make love, let me clarify. Yes, it is likely your love life might suffer if, every time you are with your partner, your brain goes on vacation with someone else. You may find yourself having a difficult time staying with your body and its normal reactions and at some point your lover is likely to catch on if you are “away” during every sexual encounter.
But that’s not what I’m saying. I’m suggesting that sometimes, using your brain to access a different kind of sex than what is actually happening in your bedroom can be a liberating and erotic experience. And even though your brain is hanging out with dominating aliens, a stranger you just met in the bar or the brother of the guy in 50 Shades of Grey, your body is safely at home with a loving partner.
What I’m saying is that there is nothing at all wrong with you, or your relationship if you sometimes fantasize about a very different, erotic encounter somewhere, far, far away, while still enjoying the tactile sensation happening right now in your very own bedroom. It’s normal. It’s natural. It’s not having an affair with your imagination, and it is definitely not disloyal. If anything, using your brain to spice up your love life and keep you coming back to the same person and the same bed every time — that’s the important part.
So there you have it. Own the kind of sex you really want to try and then make it happen in reality or make it happen in your head. Either way you don’t have to give up on the kind of sex you want!
(And read more in my book: Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have The Sex You’ve Always Wanted.)
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
What if you Want a Different Kind of Sex: Part I
I saw a client who is in a long-term relationship with a man she loves very much. He is warm and caring and gentle and loving. Their sex life is good…well, we got it there. It wasn’t always. She and her husband have sex 1–2 times a week. She gets turned on and has orgasms and for the most part enjoys it, except… Except that there is a part of her that doesn’t really want gentle and loving sex all the time.
There is a part of her that wants to be grabbed and thrown on the bed. There is a part of her that wants her husband to tie her hands above her head and push her against the wall and take her from behind. There is a part of her, the part that got turned on when she was reading 50 Shades of Grey, that wants something different from the gentle, loving sex she is currently having. And she doesn’t know what to do.
This is not a unique problem. Believe it or not, I see it fairly frequently. It doesn’t always go this way. Sometimes it goes the other way. A woman wants gentle loving sex and her husband is aggressive and more demanding than she likes and that’s a big issue also. And men get stuck in this dilemma as well. But more often than not, the problem I’m presented with is that a woman wants rougher sex than she is currently having.
I suppose it makes sense on a number of fronts. We choose a partner for many reasons but hopefully a part of that is to find someone who can support us, love us and take care of us. Partners who are loving, solicitous, and gentle often rank up high in the relationship department. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they rank up high in the rough-sex department.
Also, I think we live in a society that assumes that women want a certain kind of sex. Your partner, one of the enlightened, egalitarian set, might assume that rough sex is just not kind enough, supportive enough or romantic enough. He might think “of course she wants gentle, loving sex”. Isn’t that what every woman wants? That is our cultural assumption.
In the end, we make our decision to marry (or get into a long term relationship) for a myriad of reasons and great sex might not necessarily be at the top, or a certain kind of sex might not necessarily be at the top. And let’s be honest, our lovers might not naturally understand what we want and it may be quite different from what we want out of the bedroom. So what’s a person to do?
STAY TUNED FOR PART II
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
If Intercourse is Painful Your Sex Life Does Not Have to Be Over
Our view of sex as having to revolve around penile/vaginal intercourse is perhaps the single most limiting and misleading element of our current sex education. There are many kinds of sex. There’s oral sex, manual sex, anal sex. There is sex using every potential part of your body. If you can’t have sex one way…there are so many other ways!!
Why does someone who can’t have vaginal intercourse feel as though she should be embarrassed to discuss this?
And why does she feel like her sex life is over??? I had a patient who had vaginismus (a condition in which you can’t get a penis into the vagina.) She was married for 3 years when I saw her. (And yes, we I her!) She had one of the best sex lives I’ve seen. She was having sex with her husband about 3 times a week, in various ways. She had an orgasm (or more) most every time they had sex. She was having fun. Now — do I think she’s probably having more fun now that they are having vaginal intercourse? Yes. Probably. (Although she’s quite clear that intercourse is not her favorite sexual activity.) More options is usually better. BUT do I think someone’s sex life should be over because they can’t have vaginal intercourse?! No way. And I think we’d do ourselves, our daughters and our partners a big service if we put vaginal intercourse into perspective.
Would her husband be having a grand old time if he was having sex 2 times a week with a happy, excited, willing partner who was the queen of blow jobs (kind of how she describes herself), who brought him to orgasm with her tongue, her lips, her breasts, her feet, her butt, her anus? Would her husband be having a grand old time if he was having sex 2 times a week with a happy, excited, willing partner who was having orgasms using his hand, a vibrator, his mouth. My guess is yes. Would he miss vaginal intercourse? Probably. Is that a price he would pay to be with a woman he loves? Would it be that be so very different from a guy who is heartbroken because his wife won’t go down on him and he loves oral sex? Perhaps not so very different.
So here’s advice if you (or your friend or your partner) has pain with intercourse:
1- Get help.
2- It’s probably not in your head
3- Try to build a fun, happy sex life anyhow.
You can do it.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
I struggle with the concept of casual sex
A generation ago the teens were horrifying the adults in their life because they espoused the viability of sex without marriage. Many felt that the adults’ values were antiquated and that sex was a potentially positive force within the context of a loving (albeit young and thus very possibly, superficial) context.
Now that same generation (while we have become parents or even grandparents) seems to bemoan the sexual activity of the current younger women because they have gone one step further and divorced sex from emotional commitment. What might be observed among our children’s peers is that they often take part in sex as merely a physically pleasurable activity or perhaps one with short-term emotional pay-outs.
Maybe it’s time we “older women” (the mothers) challenged ourselves and examined our need for a “meaningful relationship” attached to sex as another version of the “needed marriage." “Maybe the current view of sex is okay. Maybe it’s just another step in the road to demystifying and taking away some of the over-dramatizing of sex.
I can already feel the angry eyes upon me. “What????? You are suggesting that sex be so casual that it is OKAY outside the context of a meaningful relationship”? Well…Maybe. Maybe that’s not what I want. Maybe that’s not what you want. Maybe that’s not what you want for your child. Maybe in the long term most of us are looking for a meaningful relationship and love that includes passion. It is totally fair, even important, to communicate those values to your children.
But maybe, just maybe, for some people sex can also exist in a context outside of a meaningful relationship for its own sake — and maybe that’s not such a terrible thing. It’s just something for us to think about.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Reclaiming our fantasy life (part 2)
Part 2
Often women clients will say something to me, like “OMG, I have all these fantasies about women, but I’m not really interested in having sex with a woman. Am I a repressed lesbian?” To which I will always respond: “All it means, when you like fantasizing about women, is… that you like fantasizing about women. Period. And if it turns you on, great. Stop trying to figure out what your fantasies say about you or what they ‘really mean’. You’ll turn yourself into a pretzel for nothing.” And for the record, (not that it should matter), it is extremely common for women who consider themselves heterosexual to enjoy sexual fantasies about women.
Also, very commonly women get upset about their fantasies because they think that they are not politically correct. “Oh my g-d, I fantasized about being overcome by a stranger in the woods.” Or “What is wrong with me, I fantasized about trading sex with a cop to get out of a parking ticket. Am I sick or what?” (And by the way, variations of these are also extremely common fantasies.)
I’m here to assure you that you should never worry about fantasies because the whole fun of fantasies is that they are merely that, fantasies. It does not mean you want the scenario to happen in real life. It just means there is some element of that fantasy that appeals to you.
Let me illustrate this with a popular fantasy. It is very common for women to have “overpowerment” fantasies when, if in real life, they were raped or taken without their consent they would be devastated and traumatized. That fantasy is one of the most common female fantasies. And there could be any number of reasons why it’s so popular.
Here are a few:
- It allows a woman to feel as though she is giving up total control and can then completely submit to the pleasure that sex affords without the concern, guilt or second guessing she might have in real life.
- Women get turned on by being the object of desire. A rape fantasy suggests that they are so desirable that someone is willing to go to crazy lengths to “have them” and being desired that much is a turn on.
- The reality, of course, is that when you’re fantasizing, (even when you’re fantasizing about losing control) you have absolute control over your fantasy. The fantasy is exactly what you want, when you want it and how you want it. And you get to decide when and how that fantasy is going to end.
I’m constantly reminding people to enjoy, not edit, their fantasies. So what if there is a monkey in your fantasy? Two women? 62 people watching you? Whips and chains? It doesn’t mean that you are a lesbian, an exhibitionist, into BDSM or any particular activity — not that there's anything wrong with any of those things. It just means that thinking about those things turn you on.
If you are interested in doing a bit more soul searching, you can think about what appeals to you in the fantasy… it is the absolute power? Is it feeling beautiful? Is it a sense of equality? Is it the romance? Then you can see if there are elements that you might be able to incorporate into your real life sex. But only if you want to. Let’s see… you fantasize about being onstage having sex and people are throwing roses at you… so maybe a little bit of exhibitionism might turn you on. Maybe you and your partner want to leave the shades open sometime, or video yourselves. Or maybe you just want to do a striptease for your partner. Or not. These could be elements of fantasies that you have no interest in exploring outside the confines of your brain, and that is perfectly fine.
Now about sharing those fantasies with your partner, that is, should you tell your partner about your fantasies? My only advice is that the decision to do so should be totally up to you alone. If you think it would be fun to act out a fantasy or even just talk about it, go for it! You can shoot an email or leave a note or an erotic story on your partner’s bed if you can’t quite work up the courage to bring it up face to face. Or, snuggled up in bed when it’s dark and they can’t see your face is always another option. Be prepared though, you might have to follow it up with real sex, because, well, fantasies are a big turn on.
But never let a partner push you into sharing a fantasy that you want to keep private — you never “owe” it to someone to tell them your fantasies. Let’s remember that distinction between fantasy and reality I was talking about. Your fantasies belong to you alone and they are for your pleasure entirely.
It is so important for all of us to learn to enjoy our fantasies and not feel guilty about them. And even better, learn to revel in them. Fantasies can fuel your sex and love life for decades providing a variety and range that would be impossible in real life. So embrace your fantasies, as exactly that, fantasies and as always, make sure you are having fun.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Part I
If you’ve heard me say it once, you have probably heard me say it countless times: fantasies are one of the most important components to maintaining a long-term healthy sex life. Fantasies are so important that many women have an “orgasm fantasy,” some scene that is so erotic to them that they use it during stimulation in order to have an orgasm. And for most people, a healthy ability to fantasize also suggests a robust ability to get turned on and desire sex.
Somewhere along the way, however, our society lost the ability to distinguish between imagination and real life, and I know that loss of distinction affects us in many unhealthy ways. And, as a sex therapist, I’ll assure you, that your sex life is at front and center.
So here’s the first question I often get asked as a sex therapist: If I fantasize about something frequently does it mean that I actually want it to happen???? And here are my answers. No way. Nope. No. Not necessarily. Maybe sometimes. But most importantly who cares?”
I’m here to assure you that the only thing I know (or more importantly that you can know) for sure is that when you identify something you like to fantasize about, you know… that you like to fantasize about that activity. Beyond that, there is absolutely no implication that you actually want to “actualize” the fantasies.
There may be fantasies you have that you know you do want to act out. If you have always “fantasized” about having sex with a drummer, and you know you do want to have sex with a drummer, then yes, that fantasy is projecting something real and you may indeed want to date a drummer. But that is fundamentally different from a fantasy of having sex on a spaceship to Mars with a group of 10 Martians, and equally different from a fantasy of having sex in the middle of Broadway with 100 onlookers.
There are different kinds of fantasies, and understanding that there are some you actually might want to try, does not, in any way, suggest that you want to try all of them! You may not want to try out a fantasy because it is too wild and crazy and may result in negative secondary consequences. You may not want to act out a fantasy because it’s just plain unrealistic (take my Martian example) or because, well, you are just not into it in reality, you are only interested in your imagination. And that, my friends, is the joy of fantasizing!
In my experience women, much more than men, are heavy-duty into second-guessing themselves, and, as a result, editing their fantasies. And trust me, that is just not helpful with your sex life.
Stay tuned for Part II where I talk about those “questionable fantasies that make you nervous”
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
I hear this again and again from my clients.
It’s just so hard to initiate and they feel terrible about it. More often than not, it’s the woman, but frankly, it can be the men as well.
First of all, be a little understanding of yourself. It is just so hard to be vulnerable. There is almost nothing as scary as communicating “I want to have sex with you” and having the other person not respond positively. It makes us want to crawl into a hole and disappear in the netherworld.
Here are a bunch of the reasons people have trouble initiating:
- Somehow women think it’s the “guys job” to initiate sex and so we’ve never learned how to do it. And the guys get resentful (understandably.)
- We’ve gotten shot down too many times before. We’ve tried to initiate sex and we’ve gotten rebuffed or turned down time and again and it’s starting to feel pointless.
- We’re afraid if we initiate this time, he’ll expect you to initiate all the time, say 3 times a week, every day, 3 times a day? You rather just ignore the whole thing.
- You’ve gotten turned down in hurtful ways. Being pushed away, ignored, having eyes rolled at you or being belittled with “G-d, all you ever want is sex” really creates a huge sting. It’s much easier to take a no, if it comes with an I love you so much and I do really want to have sex with you, just not now when I’m in the middle of 2 loads of laundry, finishing the work project due tomorrow and fielding carpooling calls. How about we make time Saturday night?
- We’re not at all sure how to do it. We are afraid we might come across as too aggressive or too silly, too transactional or not clearly enough. Initiating really is a dance and you both have to learn the steps.
- We are just plain out of practice. We haven’t done it in so long and that is part of what makes the hurdle higher and higher. Like anything else, say public speaking, we are just not used to doing it and the longer between gigs the scarier it gets.
I promise you. Once you are aware of what’s getting in the way, it makes it much easier to start turning this around. Hey you… turn off the computer and go initiate sex! Now.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Well, obviously, I think so.
There's some fascinating research suggesting that marriages with good sex tend to be happier overall. But now comes the big question: which came first, the great relationship or the fantastic sex? As a sex therapist, I can tell you it's not as simple as picking one or the other. It's a bit like pondering the age-old riddle of the chicken and the egg - both have a role to play!
You know, it's kind of funny how our society often forgets that sex can actually create greater intimacy. Instead, we've bought into this idea that intimacy leads to good sex. But let's be real here - it can work both ways.
Imagine this scenario: you and your partner are having some sexual hiccups, and you decide to see a couple's counselor. More often than not, they'll suggest focusing on the rest of the relationship and working on communication, with the promise that the good sex will follow. But guess what? It doesn't always go as planned!
Here's another curious thing I've noticed - there's a subtle bias against using sex to create intimacy. People tend to criticize “but the sex was so good in the relationship” or “one of the things I love about him/her is how they smell.”
As someone in the field, I can vouch for the fact that sex seriously affects relationships - big time! It might sound hard to believe, but I've seen many relationships improve drastically when the sex got better. Good sex brings intimacy, joy, and acceptance into the picture. It makes people feel loved and appreciated. Now, don't get me wrong - I'm all about respecting personal boundaries. Nobody should be pressured into anything they're not comfortable with. But here's a thought: even when you're feeling neutral or a bit down, giving sex a shot might actually be a good thing. Because truth be told, sex in a relationship can be a real game-changer!
Picture this scenario: you come home to find your partner left dishes in the sink, socks on the floor, and a wet towel on the bed. If you've recently had some great sex, you'd probably just laugh it off and take care of the mess. But if it's been a while since you had sex, well, you might be tempted to use those socks as a weapon! Yikes!
But here's the exciting part - sex can be like the magical glue that binds a couple together, turning them from mere roommates into a power couple.It sets the stage for better communication, trust, and openness. Seriously, good sex just makes everything in a marriage better.
So instead of thinking that sex is only for expressing intimacy that's already there, why not view it as a tool to reignite or recreate that intimacy? Sometimes, couples get caught up in complex issues and spend years working them out, when focusing on the sexual aspect could be the key to their happiness.
And hey, here's a friendly reminder - don't quickly dismiss the idea of sex just because you're not in the mood or things have been a bit tense with your partner lately. Sex might just be the missing piece that helps heal and strengthen your intimacy. I've seen it work wonders with countless clients, and it's definitely worth a shot.
(And read more in my book: Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have The Sex You’ve Always Wanted.)
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
Vibrators and men? you bet
An article published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy (“Vibrator Use Among Heterosexual Men Varies by Partnership Status: Results From a Nationally Representative Study in the United States”), states that 44% of heterosexual men have used a vibrator at some point in their lives. In most cases they’ve used it with a partner, but in some cases they’ve also used it alone.
So here are some of my thoughts and pointers on vibrators and men — pay special attention if you’re a guy:
- Check and see if your partner is interested in trying a vibrator.
- Encourage your partner to use a vibrator, especially if she is having trouble with orgasm.
- Try both a light and strong vibrator — each of you will have a different “vibration need.” Too strong and you may (or she) may feel “numbed out.” Too weak and you might find yourselves yawning and pulling out the Scrabble set.
- Play with positioning. I had one patient who said her partner loved her to keep the vibrator on under her bottom while they were having intercourse. He could feel the vibrations and it felt great.
- Like with everything else…a sense of humor is crucial, so keep you mind open and your laugh ready.
- And have a great time.
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted
It’s FINE that you Orgasm That Way
I read a moving and sad article about lichen planus and vulvodynia. A young woman talks about her vaginal pain and how it has shamed her and ruined her sex life.
Vaginal intercourse became excruciatingly painful and none of her gynecologists could see any problem and so everyone thought it was in her head. Over the years she became more and more avoidant and the lack of sexual contact with her partners ruined a number of relationships.
I have so many thoughts.
I think it was very brave of this woman to describe her situation which has caused her so much shame, self doubt and pain.
I can’t help but wonder how many more women have been told that their pain is “in their heads” because a physician wasn’t able to identify the problem. I wish more MDs would be comfortable saying, “I’m sorry. I just don’t know.” As a practitioner it just makes me so mad. If I had a nickel for every woman we have seen who we have been able to help through physical/medical/behavioral interventions who had spent years in therapy with little to show if it, I’d be rich! I think most women have a gut feeling whether the problem is physical or psychological. We should trust them. And more often than not, pain is PHYSICAL.
If you are having pain, trust yourself and keep looking for someone who can help you!
Written By
Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus
Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert | Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted