Women feel as though giving feedback in the bedroom can be a particular landmine with their husbands. And that is often so true. All of us, including our partners, carry around so much shame and insecurity around sexuality. And in the end, that is what defensiveness is all about.

So here are my suggestions to make things easier:

• • • • • Don’t give feedback while you are in the act, or immediately afterwards. That will often be taken (legitimately) as a referendum on the sex you just had.
        • Try to frame things more in the positive than the negative. “I like it better when you toss me on the bed, then when you ask my permission to …” “I orgasm better when I use the vibrator with you, so could we?…”
        • Have a conversation while not actually looking at the person. (This is the same advice I give parents talking to their kids about sex). Driving and cooking are two good opportunities.
        • Sometimes the cover of darkness can be super-helpful. So in bed at night, cuddled up. (But not immediately after sex.)
        • Vote early and often. It’s unlikely talking once (no matter how hard for you) will have a long lasting impact. Although it might. Don’t be surprised if you need to bring the topic up more than once for it to be registered.
        • Start out and end with “I love you.” Or an “I feel  so lucky about our sex life…”

Try to remember that your husband probably really wants to please you in bed, for so many reasons. He also probably feels insecure and unsure of himself. So if you tell him what you want in a loving, supportive way, hopefully he will be able to hear you without taking it as criticism.