Our Sex Drive is So Out of Sync. Now What?


I often hear that women feel that they are “broken”

I can’t tell you how many couples I see where the problem is that there is a significant disparity between the amount of sex they want and the amount that their partner wants.  So often this leads to  significant feelings  of guilt, anger and shame. And that can stress a relationship. I often hear that women feel that they are “broken” and that something is very wrong with them because their male partner wants more sex than they do, and sometimes they start to feel like they don’t even want it at all!


It is common for desire to wax and wane over time

Actually, it’s “normal” to have a different level of desire than your partner. After all, you are two different people.  It is also common for desire to wax and wane over time.  The truth is if you learn to think about sex a bit differently and you are given some practical “tools” you’d be amazed at how much the situation can change.


For some women, a vibrator is just necessary.

As they get older it becomes harder to have an orgasm and the vibrator makes it easier (or possible.) Because having an orgasm is so much easier for them, many women in this situation talk about how “it takes the stress out.” Some of them describe a situation where during sex they had been so focused on “getting to the orgasm” and “what happens if I don’t have one?” that it had taken the fun out of sex and the vibrator let them relax and enjoy themselves. Here’s some advice: If you are in this category of women, use the vibrator when you are having sex with your partner, it will make the sex more fun and less stressful. Your partner won’t have to “work so hard,” you won’t feel so guilty for making your partner “keep at it,” and your orgasms will probably be stronger.


Low Desire vs. Spontaneous Desire

It is important to remember that often women with “low desire” might actually not have low desire, but what they might not have is spontaneous desire, desire that kicks in spontaneously with no outside help from you.  The same woman might still have great responsive desire, “where your desire is in response to something.” 

Your creative powers can come into play regarding responsive desire. Writing a sexual menu of activities you are interested in doing or exploring, things you are curious about, and things you are not interested in pursuing, is a great tool. You can also just create a yes/no/maybe list.


The game changer

Sometimes, just tweaking the time for sexual activity can be a game changer. Making the decision to be intimate, rather than waiting until both of you are in the mood, can save you a lifetime of waiting and wanting.

Not only is knowing this a key to start changing things, but understanding that this is normal and common can also help the feelings of brokenness and shame. Like any other area of sex, understanding your body, what is happening with your partner and getting key pieces of information will empower you, increase sexual confidence and help you create the sex life you want.


I have so much more information about this in my book Satisfaction Guaranteed. You may want to check it out.



Written By

Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus

Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert  |  Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted