I hear it all the time. How do I “know” if I am sexually compatible with someone? Do I need to have had sex (people usually mean intercourse) in order to “know for sure”?

So, my answer is no. No, you don’t need to have had oral sex, intercourse, or any other kind of sex to know if you are compatible. And honestly, nothing is going to guarantee long-term compatibility anyhow, because we all change. All the time. However, I do think there are some basic indicators that can give you an idea if you will (or are) sexually compatible.

 

So, here are my top 3 things:

 

# 1 - You like the way they smell.

The reality is that sexual attraction is not rational. It’s not well understood, but there is something about body chemistry, be it pheromones, or something as yet undiscovered, which let’s you know pretty quickly whether or not there is a basic attraction to this person. Without it, it is hard to weather the ups and downs of a long-term physical relationship. You’ll never be able to talk yourself into attraction, but when it’s there it’s a good sign that this person might well be for you.

 

# 2 - You like the way they kiss.

You like the way they kiss. I think it’s time we jettisoned the idea that soulmates are determined by communication and non-physical relationship criteria! When did we decide to privilege the verbal over the physical? A good sign that this person is your soulmate, and that the relationship will have staying power may well be that you love the way they kiss. The physical reality and presence of instinctive attraction is at least as good an indicator of soulmate material as loving their sense of humor. Let’s get over our discounting of physical reactions as “unimportant” or “merely temporary.” A strong physical relationship can be a huge determinant of a strong long term prognosis in a relationship.

 

# 3 - You've both talked about it and you both way the same kind of sex.

Let’s face it, if one person’s idea of a good sex life is having sex once a week primarily in the bedroom, and the other person's idea is having sex twice a day, having regular threesomes or steady visits to sex clubs, then I think compatibility may be a question! So, if you're not having sex with the person yet you may want to have a conversation about what a good sex life looks like to them. Or if you are having sex and your expectations are that as the relationship develops it will look different than it does now, you should probably explore that. Because wanting and expecting a certain kind of sex-life needs to be clarified.