Yes. You can become more secure, in the bedroom and in life.

All of us feel insecure about something. Many, many of us feel insecure about sex. 


Here’s the thing: Insecurities tend to be the result of very deep, very old “wounds” that we may have experienced as children. If something made us feel ashamed and unlovable, (even when it was not meant to) then those feelings will often last our whole lives. And they have the tendency to come out when we are least interested in experiencing them. 


So if, for example, you overheard a parent say something about your body that embarrassed you, even if they didn’t mean it badly, the deep mortification that you felt and couldn’t share might bury itself in you and come out later in all kinds of ways. Or if your first sexual experiences were awkward and uncomfortable and left you feeling mortified, that can just move with you throughout your life. The more you carry them around and don’t share them, the deeper into your soul then can burrow and wreak havoc.


In my experience, and I deal a lot with sexual shame, by far the best way to combat shame and the insecurity it causes, is to talk about it in a safe space. I know it sounds incredibly simple. But the truth is, it’s not. It can be horrifically scary and horrible to take that first step and talk to someone. 


You can start by talking to a family member or friend whom you truly trust. You can start by letting them know that you need to share something that makes you feel incredibly vulnerable. You can start by talking to a professional. That is what we are here for. 


And I can promise you something. Even though it may feel like you have the most shameful secret in the world, it is so likely that it’s incredibly common and not as shameful as you think. 


But I want you to know this. The more you take things out of the “shadows,” where the shame lives, and the more you can hold it up to the light of day, the less power it has over you. Slowly over time, in talking and sharing you can truly minimize insecurity.



Written By

Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus

Sex Therapist & Relationship Expert  |  Author of Sex Points & Satisfaction Guaranteed: How to Have the Sex You've Always Wanted